Desires and delights.

My plans are so safe.
My little bubble of security is like a guarantee that I won't be caught off guard.
It all seems so good to me.
Why can't I just get what I want?
Why can't my designs be fool proof?

Maybe it's because I was made for more.
More than a safe and secure life.
More than a bubble.
More than perfection.
More than my plans for myself.

John 3:30 says, "He must increase, but I must decrease."

HE must become greater, I must become less.
HE must be magnified, I must be microscopic.

I'm not here for me.

I'm here to proclaim the name of Jesus to all corners of the Earth.
I'm here to prepare the way of the LORD. Like John the Baptist - I'm here to give GLORY to the One who was and is and is to come.
I'm here to point others to the LORD of the universe.
How can my hopes/dreams/goals/plans be greater than that?

The thread of my life is being weaved in this magnificent tapestry. Do I trust the weaver even when I can't see the masterpiece he is creating?
There is freedom in that trust. There is joy in that faith. And there is life in the fullest way imaginable when I bow before Him and LET GO.

"Delight yourself in the LORD, and He will give you the desires of your heart" [Psalm 37:4]

I think God is saying Rest in me. I think he sees how disappointed and tired we feel when we place our trust in ourselves.
And I think in this verse "delight" and "desire" are interchangeable.
What if it said:

"Desire the LORD, and He will be the delight of your heart."

That humbles me so much.

Because it doesn't say be a Christian and you'll always get what you want.

It says surrender yourself and dance before your King and your desire will be for Him.

What if I prayed the line in the Lord's prayer,

"Your will be done on Earth as it is in Heaven,"

and really meant it?

What if I said "God this is what I want for me. But I trust in you so much that I am willing to let go of it. Because my heart knows that your way is better."
I think my life would change because I would be completely satisfied in letting Him have His way in me.

Knowledge extravaganza part three: GRACE

I think one of the things that sets Christianity apart from so many other ways of life is that it is a constant process. Yeah, I'm saved from the moment I invite Jesus into my heart as my savior, but that doesn't mean by any means that I live that way. This summer I learned that sometimes I still live like I'm in chains.

One of the first things I learned on project was from my Bible study leader, Lindsay. It stuck with me for the whole eight weeks because it was something I had never made true in my life: Because of what Christ has done for me, I am no longer a sinner but a saint. If Christ is within me, I have His nature. It sounds crazy doesn't it? And let me clarify that it doesn't mean I don't sin or I don't struggle with temptations, it means that I am not condemned for it. Something else that struck me was the fact that so many people know the beginning of Romans 3:23 (For all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God), but THERE'S A SECOND PART.

"And all are justified by grace as a gift through the redemption of Jesus Christ."

Yes, I absolutely fall short of the glory of God. But that doesn't mean I get to feel sorry for myself or wallow in my mistakes or feel too unworthy to be loved by Him. It means I can CELEBRATE because when the Father looks at me, he sees his son. He sees the light of Jesus shining through me and he is PLEASED.

I feel like the Gospel is hard to hear sometimes because it reveals how unholy we are. And it points out our brokenness, our darkness, our pain, our fear, our lonliness, our sin. But I think the true definition of unholy isn't full of sin, I think it's void of God. Because He IS holiness. He is completely good, completely love, completely sinless - He can't be anything BUT holy. So I think the unholiness of this world, of our hearts and thoughts and actions is a pretty easy thing to dwell on, to sit in, to let consume us with pity and hopelessness and apathy.

But when we grasp what the LORD did for us in sending His son, in becoming flesh, in being nailed to a cross - holiness becomes attainable. Because we have been RECONCILED with our Maker, we can be holy as He is holy. There is no more shame, no more condemnation. There is only HE who is alive in us. I am restored to oneness with Him. And His holiness is reflected on me so much that I am a BLINDING light that cuts the darkness of sin like a knife.

He has called me His own in spite of my unholiness so I can call His holiness my own. That's what Grace is: a sinner becoming a SAINT through the holiness of Jesus.

The story of the bleeding woman is one of my favorites [Luke 8:40-48]. Something about it reminds me so much of myself. Not that I'm an outcast of society or have a strange disease, but I know how being hopeless and desperate feels. And I too have tried to heal myself and produce an identity for myself and survive by myself. And that might as well be a disease. Let's be honest, when I take control of my life and hold onto my sins and fears, I'm not living as the saint He has created me to be. But when I reach out my hand, He's there. And He knows me by touch. One look at me and He sees all I've been through, all my pain. He sees how desperately I need Him. And He sees what I've done - my guilt and shame - but he doesn't hold it against me. He gazes into my eyes and gives me new worth. And in that moment, I know I'm His forever.

The coolest part about the story is that Scripture gives the woman no name, but Jesus calls her "Daughter." And isn't that what He does for each of us? He gives us an identity not by our own worth or works, but IN HIM and THROUGH GRACE.

Knowledge extravaganza part two: HOPE

Hi there friends!

Sorry for the long break between parts one and two for those who have been waiting...aka Memsies. I've been distracted by packing and cleaning and meijering and dairy queening and stuff! But now I'm back at Purdue sitting at my new desk in my new room with my new roommate in her gross cheerleading shirt. And it is wonderful. It's been a whirlwind of meeting SO MANY new people and squealing out "oh my gosh it's so good to see you!!" SO MANY times. But it's been AWESOME!! It feels like I'm picking up right where I left off, which is really cool. And lots of people are askin about project so I get to talk about it a ton and it's really really fun :)

So...I learned something really cool this summer. Let me start by saying that elementary week of camp was seriously one of the hardest things I have endured. Four girls tested me to my limits and pushed me to my breaking point and gave me more attitude than I thought was possible for eight year olds. By the grace of God and the help of my co-counselors Carissa and Megan, we did it. Throughout the week, I got to have one-on-one time with one of our girls, Sabrina. At the beginning of the week, she was having trouble fitting in, and she even thought about leaving our cabin. She was so upset that she started crying and she ended up sharing a lot of what was going on in her life at home. I didn't know how to respond. She looked so broken as she told me of the abuse she had received from two men in her life. I makes me sick to think of how much pain she has faced in such a short time on this earth. My arms around her shoulders didn't feel like nearly enough.

By Wednesday, I was feeling so led to talk to her. I knew how much she needed to hear that she is loved MAGNIFICENTLY by a Father who would never hurt her. So we met together and she shared more about her life, and how utterly hopeless she felt. I told her about my relationship with Jesus. How he died for me, and he died for her. How he created the whole world and how he desires for us to know him. And I asked her what she thought and she shrugged and said she didn't know if she even believed in God. And it was like all of a sudden I realized, she was encompassed by an unbelievable amount of pain, shame, darkness, and fear, and she didn't have a Savior. She was alone. She was empty of hope, because she had no one to be her hope.

It was hard. It was really really hard. All I kept thinking was, how is she going to make it? How is she going to go back home and be okay? I wanted to keep her with me so she wouldn't have to face the ugliness and the sin that stole so many pieces from her heart. And I kept praying, God show yourself to her! Burst through the clouds and speak her name! She needs you, can't you see it? But I thought of how much love I had for this little girl, this beautiful little girl who still smiles after all she's been through. And then I thought of how much love her Papa has for her. He knows her in and out, he knew her before she was born, and he is holding her in his hands. He is moving in her life. He is moving toward her, always. And he is calling out her name LOUD. Because he can see how much she needs him, how he is the only thing she needs. Because in him is all the hope in the world.

And I needed some of that hope too. A lot of it, actually. Because I knew I wouldn't be seeing her again. I knew she would go home and life would continue as usual. But God reminded me so sweetly of how he brought her to camp. He gave her a week in his glorious presence. And he KNOWS what lies ahead for her. So I am thankful. So incredibly thankful that he brought her into my life this summer, and he used me to show himself to her. And he has taught me that his word shall not return empty [Isaiah 55:11] and that he will complete the good works he starts [Philippians 1:6].

I will think of Sabrina, and hope in the LORD that she hears his whisper. When I hear these lines form"Jesus Paid it All":

And now indeed I find

thy power and thine alone

can change the leper's spot

and melt this heart of stone.

I pray with everything in me that she will put her hope in THE ONE TRUE GOD who has the power to  restore her brokenness through grace.

_________

CLASSES START TOMORROW OH MY ACHIN TENTACLES

It's gonna be a good year.

Knowledge extravaganza part one: JOY

I knew there was a good reason God gave me this desire to go to Colorado: He had stuff to teach me that He could only teach me there. Seriously, there have been things I've been struggling with for MONTHS that I've finally let go of and laid at His feet. There have been so many things I've heard before that haven't truly clicked until I heard them at Snowridge. And the cool part is, it's not stopping. He's building on more and more and sometimes I feel like my brain is going to explode and my heart is going to burst but I LOVE IT! He is good. Even if He has to break my legs to make me lie down in green pastures, He is good.

So, there are three parts to this knowledge extravaganza: Joy, Hope, and Grace. These words have changed their meanings for me. I hope I explain what I've learned well enough and God reveals something new to you too :)

This is what I think of when I think of Joy:

For you shall go out in

JOY

and be led forth in peace.

The mountains before you shall

break forth into singing,

and all the trees of the field

shall clap their hands.

Isaiah 55:12

What the heck?? That is the coolest thing I have ever read. Mountains are singing and trees are clapping their hands. Why? Because they are filled with this unexplainable JOY that comes from their CREATOR. That's the kind of Joy that He wants me to have too.

I didn't believe that for the longest time. I thought the inescapable sadness I felt so often was my fault. I felt shame in my sense of hopelessness. I didn't think I deserved Joy because I couldn't find it on my own. God is more than willing to play the role of Superman and fly me out of that pit, but man, He wants more for me. And I think He spoke to me this summer. I was surrounded by darkness and He whispered ask for my Joy. So I did. I prayed for something I had never given a second thought to. Joy. Awhile ago, I think the lie was planted in my head that finding Joy was my responsibility. That if I wasn't constantly overflowing with pure Joy all the time, I was doing something wrong. DUMB. My Joy comes from Him, and He is glad to pour it over me.

I read this book I found in Ute lodge (where all the girls on project stayed. Also known as Uterus lodge...) called The Furious Longing of God and something the author, Brennan Manning, suggests doing is holding out your palms, closing your eyes and saying "Abba, I belong to you." I think that's beautiful. And I guess it's my way of saying "God I need you right now. I need to be reminded that you love me, that you created me for good works and you are leading me to walk in them. LORD, fill me with the Joy that comes from knowing these things. Put the biggest smile on my face because I belong to you." I say that simple phrase, and everything changes. The battle that's raging in my heart comes to a hault because with those words, the enemy FLEES. Joy is powerful stuff.

There's a little snippet for ya. Forrealsies, don't be afraid to ask for Joy.

Here's a random picture of a freakin cool Colorado rainbow.
Papa's a SWEET painter.

[Abba, I belong to YOU]

BAMBI.

You know what I think is really super cool? When God answers silly little prayers that are just kind of said in passing. To him, I don't think they're silly at all. I think he loves that we ask him for things. My last blog was pretty much about this same kind of thing: God loves to wow us. So about a week ago (and this was also inspired by the book Captivating) I was like God, it would be awesome if you showed me something really cool in your creation before I leave. And a part of me felt kind of guilty for asking that. Like I need more than what he's already done for me? But I'm starting to realize that thinking like that is pretty twisted. He is rich in mercy and abounding in love. RICH and ABOUNDING. His blessings are neverending! And when we go to him and ask him to show up in big ways and small, he is glorified.

So, today God showed me something pretty spectacular. It was a baby deer. She was born under the porch of one of the cabins and her mom was standing by waiting for her to take her first steps. Actually, the baby was kind of stuck under the steps and unable to get up on her own, so Judy (a wonderful lady who partially owns the camp / cooks / is our resident Grandma this summer) went over and picked up the teensy little baby and moved her out from under the steps. She was still all slimy from being born! Judy said she was about 20 minutes old. It was SO COOL. And it was the most adorable thing I have ever seen.

Thanks Papa :)

Princeton? Conquered.

Well, yesterday I climbed a mountain. And this was a legit mountain. Cuz the summit was above tree line! I didn't even know what that meant until I was like oh, there are no trees up here...lolz. It was 14,204 feet! If you're hip with the lingo you'd call that a fourteener. And that's like a pretty big deal.

IT WAS AWESOME.

First of all, it was absolutely gorgeous. The amazing view of the Rockies surrounding us, the view of the top of Mount Princeton that kept us pushing upward, the bluest sky I have ever seen, and the occasional patch of wild flowers growing oddly between the rocks. It reminds me so much of something I just read in the book Captivating:

"Nature is not primarily functional. It is primarily beautiful."

It is meant to astound us! What other use do flowers and mountains and sunsets and stars have other than to shout GOD IS GLORIOUS over and over? My discipler/friend/love of my life Dayna and I were saying that it was really cool that even people who don't know the LORD appreciate his beauty. And we concluded that probably the only reason they do is because they're seeing HIM when they see his work.

Every time the wind nearly knocked me over while I teetered on an unsteady rock, I just thought to myself "My God is in control of this - and he is definitely showing off his power right now." When I got out of my tent in the middle of the night to pee in the woods and I looked above my head, the sight of the countless stars took my breath away. And doesn't the LORD love to do that? It's a gift that my eyes got to see that! And when I cherish that gift, it gives even more glory to the Giver.

As I made my way up the eight miles of winding, rocky, windy trail, I realized something pretty sweet. I have to trust God with my every step. I could have so easily slipped on a loose rock or slid down a snowy cliff or just like passed out from exhaustion - but He provided for me safe footing and sturdy rocks to cling to and someone's footsteps to follow and energy from who knows where. I was honestly scared to death at some points, and I was seriously questioning what the heck I had gotten myself into when it was hard to breath after the first quarter of a mile. But my God gave me strength and just enough oxygen to make it to that summit (and all the way back down...which definitely wasn't as easy as I thought it would be...)

And isn't that just like life? If it was easy, we wouldn't need Him. If we were strong enough, we wouldn't have to put our trust in Him. If nature was all function, we would miss those glorious glimpses of His beauty.

Ponder that, children.

So that was my FANTASTIC weekend :)
I miss you all lots and lots! And I wish you were here to see all this with me!

Holy Holy Holy is the LORD; the whole earth is full of his glory.
(If you're lookin for something cool to read, check out Isaiah 6)

Cocoville.

I'm here I'm here I'm here I'm here

It already feels like home! Which is kinda strange since it's only been about a week. It's the people. Each person I've met is like a perfect little shell on the beach of God's creation (yeah, I just said that). But seriously! When I'm surrounded by a group of laughing, beautiful, God-loving people, I feel blessed beyond compare. ALSO, the scenery. I knew there was a reason I've always wanted to go to Colorado! The evidence of the LORD's fingerprints on every tree and flower and mountain takes my breath away. I'm like God, seriously, can you get any cooler?

I've been trying to ignore this issue, but I need to confess that something's on my heart, and I'm not quite sure what it is. Moments of quiet bring me to tears because of this overwhelming feeling of restlessless. I want peace and I want to be made new and I want to bring glory to my Father with all of my heart...but there's something holding me back. It became clear to me today that I need to surrender IT, whatever it is, to the LORD. He so desperately wants to fill me with his peace, I'm just having a hard time letting him. So I'm praying for a conversation, a mini soul to soul, with someone here. I'm almost positive it'll result in a break down, but after that comes the build up right?

So, if you're reading, know that I'm having an UNBELIEVABLE time here at camp. But also keep me in your prayers. God's going to change me this summer, I know he is.

More of you, less of me.