Late night metaphors.

I just crawled into bed and got a super creepy feeling. Like someone was hiding in my closet or something. And guess what I did. I made like a four year old and threw the covers over my head. And I felt better. This is perplexing to me.

Why do we feel safer under the covers?

It makes no sense, really. It doesn't make the scary stuff go away. It doesn't offer any protection. It's a blanket. But it feels safe. Maybe because it's a quick fix. Like a band-aid or duct tape. Temporary.

Listen up, four year old kids (and everybody else). The thing to do is throw off the covers and say "Hey scary thing in the closet, I'm not gonna hide from you. That would be dumb. Because seriously, I know I can take you." That'll show em.

Think about it. Nighty night!

I smell my house.

Well, here I am back home. At my house. In my living room. On my couch. Looking at a giant wardrobe thing in the corner, wondering where the heck it came from. And marveling at how different the hallway looks since Mom took the corkboard off the walls. It's pretty late to be writing a blog post, but inspiration struck me, so duty calls. I just got home from seeing Paranormal Activity 2. Holy. Cow. It was intense. But that's not really what this post is about...

I smell my house. You know how when you live somewhere, you don't really know what it smells like because you're there all the time? That's always how it's been with my house. I never really notice that it has a smell. Unless I've been gone for awhile and then I come back. And I don't know why, but smelling my house always makes me really happy. Because it's rare when it happens, and it's always a surprise. I haven't smelled this smell in years, because I've been so used to it. When we would go on a vacation for a week, I would test it out and see if I could smell my house, but usually even then, it didn't smell like anything. Only if I was gone for a really long time was I able to smell it. And then it would only last for a little while, until I got used to it again.

It's a familar smell, but it's more than that. It's like a feeling. When I smell my house smell, I am reminded that no matter how far away I've gone, this is where I belong. This is the smell that becomes so familiar to me that I forget that I'm smelling it at all. And soon enough, it'll fade and I'll forget the smell again.

But until then, I'm cool with sitting here breathing like a maniac, trying to savor the smell as long as I can.
Gosh, I'm a freak. A freak who is happy to be home.

[I had a lot to say today]

I realized something today. I'm a planner. I like to plan things. I like things to go my way. And I like to work from my schedule (disclaimer: this is not to be confused with being punctual.) I'm also a dreamer. I imagine so many different scenarios for how my life is going to pan out. And I get excited, no I get giddy, thinking about the world that's out there for me to see and the people out there for me to meet. I have plans, dreams, goals, aspirations. And I've always had them. Sometimes they change, sometimes they take a different course, but they are always present in my mind and in my heart.

But lately, I'm starting to wrestle with this part of who I am. Because I'm starting to notice that these plans I've made for myself and these dreams that I hold onto so tightly aren't as freeing as I thought they were.

I have to ask myself something. Are my plans and dreams hindering my walk with the Lord?

I think one of the most amazing things about God is his unpredictability. He shows up in the strangest places. He speaks to us when we least expect it. And he has plans and dreams for us. He's had them since before we were born. I've been reading Crazy Love by Francis Chan, and it's a flippin gold mine. It's packed FULL of all kinds of things I've never thought about before. Like this thought: God knew you and me before we existed. That's beautiful. And it's mind-blowing.

"Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you,
and before you were born I consecrated you;
I appointed you a prophet to the nations."
Jeremiah 1:5

God's talking to Jeremiah here, but he's also speaking to each of our hearts (side note: I just want to point out how amazing it is that something written thousands of years ago feels like it was written just for me, just for what I'm struggling with here and now. God is good.) And he's talking about an intense kind of knowing. I was his before I even existed! I can't even wrap my mind around that.

And the thing is, my response to that intense kind of knowing is a lot like Jeremiah's.

Then I said,
"Ah Lord God! Behold, I do not know how to speak, 
for I am only a youth." 
Jeremiah 1:6

It's daunting. How big God is. The guy who created the heavens and the earth. The galaxies, the stars, the sun. The guy who holds it all together. Yeah, he knows you like the back of his hand, because well, he created you with his own hands. Crazy. And it gets crazier.

But the LORD said to me,
"Do not say, 'I am only a youth';
for to all to whom I send you, you shall go,
and whatever I command you, you shall speak.
Do not be afraid of them,
for I am with you to deliver you."
Jeremiah 1:7-8

God tells Jeremiah not to be afraid. Because He is with him. And I kind of picture Jeremiah going, that's it? You want me to lead all these nations and be a prophet for you, and that's the best advice you can give me? And I can relate. I throw my hands up and say "God I have no idea what you want me to do." A lot. But I've been thinking about it, and really "Do not be afraid for I am with you" are some of the most powerful, beautiful, perfect words I've ever been told.

Not only did the LORD of the universe create me and not only does he know everything about me, He is with me. In everything I do. In all of my plans, in all of my dreams. And that changes things. Because when I allow his spirit to dwell in my heart, when I trust that he knows me and loves me and is taking care of me, and when I align the dreams and plans I've made for myself with the dreams and plans he's made for me, I become a part of something so much bigger and better and beautiful than myself.

My plans and my dreams disappoint me. They let me down. Because more often than not, they don't work out, they don't come true. And it's frustrating to live from plan to plan and dream to dream. Where am I putting my trust when I do that? In myself? How can I do that when apart from my Father, I know I am nothing?

My mom said something to me a few months ago. I was upset. Things weren't working out how I wanted them to and I was tired. Tired of planning and dreaming only to be disappointed. I told my mom I felt like my life was a big mess. And this is what she said "God has already written your book. He could show it to you right now, and you would probably say 'God what are you doing? Why in the world does my story go like this?' But the point is, he wrote it. And he knows what he's doing. He just wants you to trust him." I had so much love for my mom in that moment. And I knew she was totally right.

God is planning and dreaming for me, with me, and in spite of me. He loves me. And he is calling me to let go of things that are hindering me. He is calling me to let him hold my heart.

Good grief! I had a lot to say today.
Thanks for reading, you dedicated blog follower you.

Phil, you're my hero.

I have moments all the time where I think, hey, this moment calls for a song.
And I swear, 7 times outta 10, it's a Phil Wickham song.


He's different, somehow. I don't know what it is. Everything about him -- his voice, his lyrics, his melodies, his style -- it's so honest. It's just like, wow. This guy is for real. His music is pure poetry straight from his heart. There's no cheesiness, no drama, nothing's forced, it's just...him telling Papa that he loves him. It's beautiful.

One day, I'm going to climb a mountain and sing "I will always love you" to my Father. That's a life goal right there.

Finding it.

I know what I need.
After all this time,
the answer is staring me in the face.
I've tried to overlook it.
Tried to ignore it.
Tried to lower my expectations.
But now I know what I need will never change.
I'm glad that it won't.
Because that means,
when I find what I need,
I'll know it,
and I'll grab hold of it,
and never let go.
And it will do the same for me.