You are making me new.

I don't share my prayers on my blog very often, but this is different. I was at Starbucks last week and I knew I needed to say some things to the Lord. But I didn't know THIS was going to happen. I think it was the Spirit. I didn't stop writing for at least an hour, and I didn't care that tears were streaming down my face. It was a beautiful moment. And I wanted to share it with you.
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God, I am restless about so many things right now. But I am comforted knowing that when I come before you, you will give me rest. Every time Lord, without fail. I praise you for that, Father. I am so thankful that you keep no record of how many times I mess up or lose my temper or hide from you or turn away from things you want me to do. Thank you for your forgiveness. Thank you for looking at what is at the core of my heart, not all the messy layers that I've built up for myself.

Those layers are the worst.

They keep me from you because they keep me from who I am, who I really am beneath it all - my heart that belongs to you and my desire to glorify you, and my love for others, for life, and for your creation, my passion for writing and for changing the world, the good things about me - all comes from you. I know it does. Because you are my identity - you have called me your daughter and you have breathed your life into me so that I am no longer living for myself, but for you.

I know you love me, Papa. I know it because I've felt glimpses of your love, and even glimpses have left me in awe. And Lord, I want to serve you. Not only that, I want to journey through life with you, forever holding your hand, forever trusting your touch, forever following where you lead. I want to know you more. I want to grow and meditate and flourish by your word alone. I want to be consumed and transformed by your love. I know that is the only way to love a joyful life - live for you. Because you are the true source of joy. I love you so much, Father. You are the Lord of the universe and yet you laid down your life for me, so that I may know you in this world and live eternally with you in your kingdom. And that is my only desire - to be in love with you forever, to be with you forever, to be surrounded by your love forever.

God, this world is broken, and I am too. I am so weary and restless and alone - but most of all, I am in need of you. But it's those layers again. I'm not good enough. I've made too many mistakes. I don't deserve to be happy. I'll always be alone. I don't know who I am. Those thoughts, and many more, haunt me. They crash against me over and over and they leave me bruised and afraid. And it's so hard when I find myself in these moments, it's so hard to hear your voice, to see your light. To know that these layers of shame and worthlessness do not define me. All I want to do is cover my face and my ears and block out everything. All I want to do is disappear because I feel like every piece of me, every good thing about me, is gone, and I'll never be myself again.

I become lost for awhile, but you never leave me.

Somewhere in the distance, the sound of you knocking on the door of my heart is echoing. Somewhere your hand is reaching for my shoulder, waiting for me to turn and around and embrace you. And somewhere in the pit of my heart is a light. A light of hope and love and grace. A light that you put there so many years ago. A light that will never lose its flame, no matter how hard the wind blows, or the waves crash, or the darkness creeps in. It will still be there - a beacon for my weary soul, a source of warmth for my cold spirit, and the fuel that keeps my heart beating and my lungs breathing.

It is you, Father.

Your love makes me who I am, your love marks me as your daughter, your love saves me when I think I'm hopeless and alone. And soon, the layers melt away - because they were never there to stay. And I am reminded, beautifully and perfectly reminded, of who you are, and who I am in you. And soon the light spreads like a fire, and every fragment of my being is enveloped in its warmth. I'm not hiding anymore, I'm not ashamed, and most wonderful of all, I am not alone. You are with me, like you've been all alone. You are holding my hand and whispering the sweetest words in my ear, stroking my hair, and wiping away my tears.

God, you are my savior, not only because of your death on the cross, but for every moment of my life, every beat of my heart and breath of my lungs. Your love is the same now and forever - and it will never leave me. I love you. Oh Lord, I love you so. Thank you for giving me your light and for making me who I am. Thank you for making me new.

Amen.