Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes!

Well folks, it's 12 am on a wednesday night and here I sit in my bedroom trying to decide if I should get my hair cut or not. This ALWAYS happens before I have to make a big decision. Or a small decision. Okay, any decision for pete's sake. Because seriously, everytime I make a choice I feel like I picked the wrong one. Every single time I choose one thing, I wish I would have chosen the other. I feel like I need to make a pro/con list for every stupid thing. Should I get a cheeseburger or a chicken sandwich? Should I watch Letterman or Leno? Should I run to the right or to the left? It's madness I tell you!


And what I think it really comes down to is fear. Fear of choices, fear of decisions, fear of change. I mean not so much for the small, insignificant things, but for the big things. The Life things. I was so scared to go to an out of state college because I knew I would be all by myself and I wouldn't have the familiar to rely on. And now look where that decision led me. I'm going to a different school next year. A whole different change. And I can say that I'm less worried because I'll be with two of my best friends, but the truth is I'm not. And it's because I keep thinking: this is where my life is going to start, this is where I'm going to decide what I'll become, this is where every step I take has the possibility to be a great success or a miserable failure. Yeah, I'm afraid, to say the least.


I wish I could look at my life not as a series of steps that lead me up a ladder, but as a series of steps that lead me up and down hills and valleys. Because as much as I think so, there is never going to be a moment where I think "finally, my life is in order and I am exactly where I want to be." I will always be striving for more, I will always be struggling with something, I will always be changing. And yes, every step makes me stronger, but I will never be perfect. I will never reach the top of the ladder.


It's like this quote I heard awhile ago "Life is not a destination, it's a journey." And this is so important to me because so often I think that way. I just want to get there or I just want to do that and then I'll be happy. That's not the way it's supposed to be. Every day is a new beginning and every day is a new chance to be the person I want to be. Some days will be better than others, but that doesn't mean I fail. It means I pick myself up and try again.


It's like my relationship with God. I can try and try and try to be a "good" Christian, I can go to church, I can read my bible etc. I can try to climb the ladder to earn God's grace, but that's not how it works. God is not at the top of the ladder waiting for me to climb to him. He is with me every day, in every situation, through good times and bad, holding my hand and taking this journey with me. He rejoices when I succeed and he cries with me when I fail, but through it all, his love stays the same. And in return for the sacrifice he made for me on the cross, I live my life for him. All I can offer is my heart, and that's what I strive to do.


And the best part is, when I become so anxious and worried and freaked out about any decision I have to make or any change that's looming in the future, I can rely on God to guide me. When I just let go of my problems and concerns and give them to God, he takes them away and fills me instead with his spirit. That's when I get the feeling that everything is going to be okay. I forget that a lot, but deep down, I know it to be true.

I wanna go camping.

At turkey run. With my best friends. Because I've missed them. And I haven't gone camping in forever. And when the four of us get together, magic happens. And when the four of us share a tent, madness ensues.

All I need is you, Lord.

So...I've been a total jerk the past few days.  I've been ignoring people and acting like a robot and being super pathetic. STUPID. Well, I'm done. I can't do it anymore. I thought that if I felt sad on the inside, I didn't want to pretend to be okay on the outside. STUPID AGAIN. Choosing to feel depressed? Seriously? That's ridiculous. And that's not me.


I realized in this big epiphany moment [at the Glenwood Park playground] that I can't focus on things that I can't control. I can't see the future, I don't know where I'll be or who I'll be with or what I'll be doing. And even though I wish I did, I don't know what's best for me most of the time. And as much as that thought scares me to death, the fear is only temporary. After that comes relief, liberation. There's this feeling where I know I can just let go and I realize that God has everything under control.

"For I know the plans I have for you" says the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future." 

Jeremiah 29:11

Out of all the words written in the Bible, these bring me the most comfort. Because when I feel like everything is falling apart and nothing will ever be okay again, there's a voice inside my head that says "Stop. You know that's not true." Sometimes I literally have to say it outloud, but it never fails. Knowing that God loves me and that he has a plan for my life is bigger and better and stronger than any obstacle, emotion, struggle, mistake, tragedy that I might experience. Knowing that God is here with me holding my hand as I walk through life is enough to bring me to my knees in worship and to bring tears of joy to my eyes. That's what it is: JOY. Everlasting joy. That's what I have because I have Jesus. And nothing can ever take that away. Nothing can ever separate me from the love of God. And he is everything I will ever need. 


All I need is you, Lord. Amen.

Pacty pact.

A few days ago I realized why I've been feeling so dejected. 

Why I go from being completely happy to totally depressed. 

Why I let comments/looks/opinions from others dictate how I see myself. 

Why I look in the mirror and I think of all the ways I wish I was different.

You see I talk about love all the time, but I made a big mistake.

I never gave it to myself.

Loving others comes natural, it's not easy sometimes, but it's just something that I always try to do. And hoping that someone will love me, well that comes natural too. That's human instinct, I think. But loving myself? I never take time for that. It feels weird, wrong even. It feels like time wasted. It feels selfish. But that's just not the case.

I'm not the prettiest.

I'm not the smartest.

I'm not the most talented.

I don't have the best clothes.

I don't always know what to say.

And I'm not perfect.

But I'm

always,

the best at,

the only person,

perfectly

being me.

You see, I've come to realize that loving myself inspite of my so-called shortcomings/imperfections/issues is what I've been supremely failing at lately. And I have a feeling, we've all been there.

So I've decided to make it my mission this summer to learn to love myself. I pitched the idea to my good pal Samanthy and she wanted to do it too. So invite all of you readers to join me. Because loving yourself can always take some additional practice.

The edge and the leap.

I've reached this point.
I feel like I'm on the edge of something, something huge.
Like the edge of a cliff.
And I can't turn around.
Because all that's behind me is a jumble or a mess or a blur.
I don't what any of it means, and I can't piece together the remnants.
All I can sense is the reminder that I can't go back.
So now, here I stand.
Looking down, knowing I should close my eyes and jump.
But still, wishing I could return.
Wishing the pieces would fall back into place.
Wishing I could retrace the steps that brought me to this point.
Holding onto the familiar, the safe, the past.
Replaying images in my head, voices in my ears.
It hurts.
Every second that I wish I could go back is like the pounding of a nail.
Anchoring me to this point.
This point of false security.
This point of fear and regret and pain.
I want to jump.
I want to let go.
And I don't want the fear that no one will catch me keep me from taking the leap.

Quite an evening.

Who's ready to be hit with another one of Kaitlyn Beer's fabulous late night blog posts?? What's this you say? Two days in a row? Yes, blog readers. I have decided to grace you with yet another. Oh how lucky you are.

So...tonight I went from crying to laughing hysterically to dancing alone in my room at midnight.

It was quite an evening.

Let me start off by saying, I have the GREATEST friends in the world. I can't believe how absolutely blessed I am to have not one, not two, but THREE friends help cheer me up from what could have been a chick-flick-watching-ice-cream-eating-alone-in-bed-crying-for-hours kind of night. They were just...there for me. However cliche that sounds, it's true! They were their hilarious, adorable selves and they made me smile and laugh until I completely forgot how rotten I felt earlier. I love them so, so very much :)

And then, I started to dance.

Well, first I watched some Wizard People, Dear Readers on youtube (HILARIOUS) And then I turned on the tv and Vampire Weekend was performing on SNL. So naturally, the moment called for some sweet moves. But when the song ended I wanted more. Nay, I craved more. There was something very satisfying about jumping up and down on my dormroom floor, imagining certain people's faces underneath my feet. Oh, it was grand. So I put some more Vampire Weekend on and got down in a way only Kaitlyn Beer can.

Then I moved on to some David Crowder (Foreverandeverandever... might be THE greatest song to dance to ever. No joke.) And let me tell you, that kind of dancing was totally different because I started dancing for Jesus. "Love so incredible to know. It's never gonna go, it's never gonna go. Love too impossible and true. For anyone but you, for anyone but you." How can you not want to dance after hearing those words and believing them with all your heart? It was uncontainable baby!

So, my advice to you, blog readers, is when you're feeling low and you don't know how to express any anger/anxiety/sadness/confusion/whatever, just dance. It made me feel SO good. And let me know if you need some sweet dance moves.

Que romantica.

So...I was listening to Owl City and one of their songs hit me (just like a ton of bricks). It was so completely romantic and I swear I almost started crying. And yes, I am aware that I blog about love and lovey dovey things and mushy gushy stuff a lot, but I don't care. I love writing about love. So bite me. Here's a list of the most romantic songs I've ever heard:

1) The Luckiest. Ben Folds.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S1qL2ynRpXU
His voice is just so darn cute in this song! And that combined with the piano...it's just perfect. And it's so honest. He's the luckiest because he has her. [sigh] That is beautiful.
I love you more than I have ever found a way to say to you.


2) Better Together. Jack Johnson.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OPXU33iquDE
Listening to this song is like being serenaded on the beach. It's so happy!
And when I wake up, you look so pretty sleeping next to me.

3) Oh, It is Love. Hellogoodbye.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9pgmiADY2q8
When I hear this song I picture a boy and a girl dancing under the stars surrounded by fireflies in the middle of a meadow. Yep.
Oh dear, it's been hardly a moment and you are already missed.


4) I'd Rather Be With You. Joshua Radin.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aAJfhZamFmo
Ohhh Joshua Radin. He is fantastic. And this song is great because it sums up everything you feel when you're in love: all you want to do is be with that person.
You're the one thing I am missing here. With you beside me, I no longer fear.

5) All I Ask of You. Phantom of the Opera.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vec3bmdFkOg
Okay, so I can't stand Raul, but I have to admit that this song is possibly the most romantic moment in a musical ever. Let me set the stage for you. Christine is like "Ahh! We have to get out of here cuz the Phantom is after me!" and Raul is like "Oh gosh, she's nuts. Let me distract her with my alluring voice." And then. He tells her that everything is going to be okay, and she feels safe and happy. It's a lovely moment.
-Say you love me. 
-You know I do.

6) Your Song. Moulin Rouge.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Esb21zY6BNM
Ewan McGregor is the perfect man. I am convinced. His smile! It kills me. And his voice! It makes me want to take a bath in it. And this song is so beautiful because it's so simple and charming. And of course, Nicole Kidman falls for him. How could she not?
I hope you don't mind that I put down in words how wonderful life is now you're in the world.

7) Technicolor Phase. Owl City.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y9i_m0AdXrg
Now, this is not a conventional romantic song. But seriously the words are so amazing. He's telling her that he wants to be with her always, everywhere she goes. Some parts sound kinda creepy at first, but basically it's just really sweet.
You can go anywhere you wish, cuz I'll be there wherever you are.

8) Better Part of Me. Tyler Burkum.
bah! Couldn't find a video. I'll hook you up if you're interested ;)
Okay so I've had this song for like 5 years. And I had no idea how great it is until like a month ago. I totally see this being a song you'd play while driving down the highway holding hands with the windows down on a sunny day. It's all about bringing out the best in each other and loving each other no matter what.
I know this love will see us through when seas get rough. Oh I won't give up.

9) Everything. Michael Buble.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SPUJIbXN0WY
Greatest song ever written. That is all.
And in this crazy life and in these crazy times, it's you, it's you. You make me sing.

10) Can't Help Falling in Love. Ingrid Michaelson.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I4LlyhrLEuI
Classic. Gives me chills and makes me tear up every single time. This WILL be my first dance at my wedding.
Like a river flows, surely to the sea. Darling so it goes, some things are meant to be.