Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes!

Well folks, it's 12 am on a wednesday night and here I sit in my bedroom trying to decide if I should get my hair cut or not. This ALWAYS happens before I have to make a big decision. Or a small decision. Okay, any decision for pete's sake. Because seriously, everytime I make a choice I feel like I picked the wrong one. Every single time I choose one thing, I wish I would have chosen the other. I feel like I need to make a pro/con list for every stupid thing. Should I get a cheeseburger or a chicken sandwich? Should I watch Letterman or Leno? Should I run to the right or to the left? It's madness I tell you!


And what I think it really comes down to is fear. Fear of choices, fear of decisions, fear of change. I mean not so much for the small, insignificant things, but for the big things. The Life things. I was so scared to go to an out of state college because I knew I would be all by myself and I wouldn't have the familiar to rely on. And now look where that decision led me. I'm going to a different school next year. A whole different change. And I can say that I'm less worried because I'll be with two of my best friends, but the truth is I'm not. And it's because I keep thinking: this is where my life is going to start, this is where I'm going to decide what I'll become, this is where every step I take has the possibility to be a great success or a miserable failure. Yeah, I'm afraid, to say the least.


I wish I could look at my life not as a series of steps that lead me up a ladder, but as a series of steps that lead me up and down hills and valleys. Because as much as I think so, there is never going to be a moment where I think "finally, my life is in order and I am exactly where I want to be." I will always be striving for more, I will always be struggling with something, I will always be changing. And yes, every step makes me stronger, but I will never be perfect. I will never reach the top of the ladder.


It's like this quote I heard awhile ago "Life is not a destination, it's a journey." And this is so important to me because so often I think that way. I just want to get there or I just want to do that and then I'll be happy. That's not the way it's supposed to be. Every day is a new beginning and every day is a new chance to be the person I want to be. Some days will be better than others, but that doesn't mean I fail. It means I pick myself up and try again.


It's like my relationship with God. I can try and try and try to be a "good" Christian, I can go to church, I can read my bible etc. I can try to climb the ladder to earn God's grace, but that's not how it works. God is not at the top of the ladder waiting for me to climb to him. He is with me every day, in every situation, through good times and bad, holding my hand and taking this journey with me. He rejoices when I succeed and he cries with me when I fail, but through it all, his love stays the same. And in return for the sacrifice he made for me on the cross, I live my life for him. All I can offer is my heart, and that's what I strive to do.


And the best part is, when I become so anxious and worried and freaked out about any decision I have to make or any change that's looming in the future, I can rely on God to guide me. When I just let go of my problems and concerns and give them to God, he takes them away and fills me instead with his spirit. That's when I get the feeling that everything is going to be okay. I forget that a lot, but deep down, I know it to be true.