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Hi, my name is Kaitlyn and I have some serious anger issues. 

My besty friendy forevery Samanthy informed me of this tonight. Not that I really needed informed. And of course, when she told me, I kinda just got even more mad...

You see, this is what happened. We were driving home from Target, our homeland. And let me tell you, West Lafayette is the most confusing city in the world to drive in. So we turned down some street that led to some other street then I missed the turn on the street that I wanted to turn on, so I thought I'd circle around the block to get back on track. But NO. I was foiled by a one way street! GAHH! So I had to go back on the original road and go way out of the way and back track and blah blah blah. I was frustrated beyond belief.

But I have to ask myself, why? Why do I let certain things drive me so completely nuts? Why do I get angry at something so stupid as having to go half a mile in the wrong direction? It's ridiculous, honestly. And the worst part about losing my temper is that I find myself lashing out on people that I care about. I hate that. So, so much.

Folks, I'm a hot head sometimes. But I'm working on it. And I'm praying for patience. I'm praying for kindness. For love. For self-control. I'm constantly reminding myself to calm down. To take a deep breath. To snap out of it.

It's a struggle. But I'm not producing fruit on my own here, I'm abiding in the True Vine, my Father. And the branches that don't produce fruit need to be pruned.


So I have to say thank you to Samanthy. Thanks for holding me accountable. And for telling me I'm being a nutso.

Overwhelmed.

I feel that way a lot. And I'm finding out that when I feel that way, when I become overwhelmed with feelings of hopelessness, worry, impatience, jealousy, fear, it's because I let myself believe a tiny voice inside my head. The one that tells me that I'm not [insert adjective here] enough. The one that says I'll never accomplish what I hope for in life. The one that repeats things over and over, things like "stupid" or "ugly" or "alone" or "worthless." It's the voice that encourages me to give up, to give in, to stop fighting. And for some reason, this tiny, insignificant voice is the one that I find myself listening to more than anything else. I know that it's wrong, I know that it makes me feel awful and empty, but I keep doing it. I keep letting it get louder and louder. 

But the worst part about listening to that voice isn't the way it makes me feel. The worst part is that when this voice inside my head gets louder, it begins to drown out the voice of my Father.

Just writing those words fills my eyes with tears.

But there is hope, because the best part about all this is that I KNOW the way out. And it's through HIM. I know that the only way to lift myself up again is to reach out and grasp HIS hand, to turn my face toward HIS, and to listen to the most beautiful voice I can fathom, the voice of my SAVIOR speaking the words Kaitlyn, you are mine. And I love you.

There is nothing, NOTHING comparable to those words. And when I hear them, I am overwhelmed again. But this time, it's by His SPIRIT. His spirit that humbles me, comforts me, strengthens me, guides me, refreshes me, holds me. His spirit that opens my eyes to the beauty of creation. His spirit that calms my fears. His spirit that tells me I am understood, and I am not alone.

I was feeling overwhelmed today. I was thinking about how ardently I want to serve God with my life, but how often I find myself falling short. I felt so hopeless, so scared. But then I heard my Father's whisper. He said I see your desire. I see your heart. I see your willingness. Kaitlyn, I see you. And you are a beautiful, wonderful creation. I've written your story with my mighty hand. And with that same hand, I am holding your heart.

That my friends, is pure, complete joy.

Feels like I'm falling

At church today, I was slammed with a huge revelation. And I really mean slammed. It was like 50 alarm clocks went off in my head at one time and the heavens opened up with a bright light shining on my face and I finally just went "OHHH."

You see, I've been struggling lately. And I haven't even really been able to put my finger on what it is exactly that's got me so unsettled. Well, maybe I knew, but I didn't want to admit it. Because I am a very stubborn person.

But I'm working on changing. I'm working on letting go. I'm working on realizing that I can't figure my future out. I can't look at pictures in a magazine and say "that! that's what I want!" when it comes to who/what/where I will be. That's not how it works. And the bottom line is, I can't put my faith and trust and hope in the LORD until I admit that he knows better than I.

Good golly, does he know better.

When I think of how much of a wreck I am sometimes, how badly I mess up, how much I disappoint myself and others, it just makes me so incredibly thankful that I have a perfect savior that knows what's best for me. Because how can I do this on my own? How can I? I am very far from perfect. But hey, this isn't going to be a self-mutilating kind of blog post, because I also learned something else at church today.

We talked about holiness. We talked about moments in the Bible where God's holiness calmed storms and burned bushes and created everything around us out of nothing. And we talked about how God's holiness, through the death of Jesus on the cross, isn't just an out-dated bible thing. It's an everyday, all around the earth, consuming, living, breathing holiness that moves within us and through us. 

God's mighty love and amazing grace, makes my life a picture of holiness.

Seriously?? This is fantastic news. The big revelation I felt this morning was like a liberation, a freedom, a spark. Because I realized that on my own, I am so...broken. But through HIM, I am holy. Through HIM, I can do all things. And through HIM, I find my strength.

But best of all, through HIM, the story of my life will come together exactly the way it is meant to be. Which means this ongoing struggle I have with trusting God is really just a huge waste of time. How can I argue with holiness? It's a losing battle. How can I say I know better to the one who holds the universe in his hands? Ridiculous. It truly amazes me how God keeps trying to hammer the same thing into my noggin over and over, relentlessly. And how when I finally understand, he just shakes his head and smiles.

Holy, holy, holy is the Lord God Almighty.

Oh right! The post title. It's from a FANTASTIC Francesca Batistelli song:

I'm letting go 

Of the life I planned for me 

And my dreams.

I'm losing control

Of my destiny

It feels like I'm falling

And that's what it's like to believe

So I'm letting go

The importance of doing nothing.

Hey, it's September. That means fall is coming soon. Goodness gracious, I can't wait for fall. Leaves and apple cidar and football games and sweaters and perfect, sweet, crisp air. Perfection. I should be doing my homework now. Or taking a shower. Or doing something productive like constructing a 3-d moon out of flower stem wire. Ya know, something like that. But here I sit. You know something? I'm really a pro at doing nothing. Sometimes I just like to stare out the window. Sometimes I like to watch mindless television. Sometimes I like to lay in my bed and think. Sometimes I like to download music illegally. Or sometimes I like to blog about how I like to do nothing. For some people, this is a huge waste of time. Especially those busybusybusygottakeepmovingorI'llexplode people. But me? I NEED to waste time. In order to keep my sanity. Yeah, part of it is being lazy. But mostly, it's just slowing down for a second. Catching my breath and enjoying doing absolutely nothing. Taking in a deep breath and smiling to myself, not really sure why. Just cuz. It's nice. I call it being content. Knowing I could be doing something, but realizing that I'm happy just sittin. It's okay to do nothing from time to time. Just relax. Life can get so serious, so complicated, so annoying, so busy, so demanding. I say, find something that makes you happy and do it. Something for yourself. Don't schedule every second of your life. Leave some blank spaces and let your mind wander. Make shapes outta the clouds. Look for a four leaf clover. Roll down a hill. Watch Project Runway. Dance around in your underwear. Sing into your hairbrush. Watch stupid youtube videos. Be silly. Go for a walk and smile at strangers. Act like a kid again. WHATEVER. Just don't get so busy that you forget how to waste time. Because that would be a serious shame.