Feels like I'm falling

At church today, I was slammed with a huge revelation. And I really mean slammed. It was like 50 alarm clocks went off in my head at one time and the heavens opened up with a bright light shining on my face and I finally just went "OHHH."

You see, I've been struggling lately. And I haven't even really been able to put my finger on what it is exactly that's got me so unsettled. Well, maybe I knew, but I didn't want to admit it. Because I am a very stubborn person.

But I'm working on changing. I'm working on letting go. I'm working on realizing that I can't figure my future out. I can't look at pictures in a magazine and say "that! that's what I want!" when it comes to who/what/where I will be. That's not how it works. And the bottom line is, I can't put my faith and trust and hope in the LORD until I admit that he knows better than I.

Good golly, does he know better.

When I think of how much of a wreck I am sometimes, how badly I mess up, how much I disappoint myself and others, it just makes me so incredibly thankful that I have a perfect savior that knows what's best for me. Because how can I do this on my own? How can I? I am very far from perfect. But hey, this isn't going to be a self-mutilating kind of blog post, because I also learned something else at church today.

We talked about holiness. We talked about moments in the Bible where God's holiness calmed storms and burned bushes and created everything around us out of nothing. And we talked about how God's holiness, through the death of Jesus on the cross, isn't just an out-dated bible thing. It's an everyday, all around the earth, consuming, living, breathing holiness that moves within us and through us. 

God's mighty love and amazing grace, makes my life a picture of holiness.

Seriously?? This is fantastic news. The big revelation I felt this morning was like a liberation, a freedom, a spark. Because I realized that on my own, I am so...broken. But through HIM, I am holy. Through HIM, I can do all things. And through HIM, I find my strength.

But best of all, through HIM, the story of my life will come together exactly the way it is meant to be. Which means this ongoing struggle I have with trusting God is really just a huge waste of time. How can I argue with holiness? It's a losing battle. How can I say I know better to the one who holds the universe in his hands? Ridiculous. It truly amazes me how God keeps trying to hammer the same thing into my noggin over and over, relentlessly. And how when I finally understand, he just shakes his head and smiles.

Holy, holy, holy is the Lord God Almighty.

Oh right! The post title. It's from a FANTASTIC Francesca Batistelli song:

I'm letting go 

Of the life I planned for me 

And my dreams.

I'm losing control

Of my destiny

It feels like I'm falling

And that's what it's like to believe

So I'm letting go