Kaitlyn Beer and the case of the multiple identities.

I love going to Campus House here at Purdue because every time I'm there:

1. I feel God's presence. He's all around the room. And he's especially stirring in my heart. It's beautiful. And it usually involves me crying and consequently wiping my nose on my sweater sleeves. So ya know, that's definitely beautiful.

2. I learn a new song. And I recently just discovered the Campus House blog! And they list all the songs they sing on there! SCORE.

3. Communion. I never really appreciated taking communion before. Crossbridge doesn't do communion every week, which is totally fine I think. Because sometimes when you do something repeatedly, it can lose its meaning. But for me, it's been kind of the opposite. It's been amazingly powerful every single time. And I've found that it's a moment of true worship and praise, honor, glory, and thanks. It's a moment where I can hit the pause button on whatever trivial thing I'm dealing with and say "God, I am in awe of what you have done for me." I look forward to that moment every week.

4. The teaching makes me...hmm what's a good word...ponder. That's what it does. Hardcore. It seems like every week, the pastor is speaking directly to what's on my heart. Sometimes it's something that I didn't even know was on my heart. But then WHAM. He says something that catches my breath. Like, literally. And I'm thinking does this guy know me? Creepy stuff. But not really, it's mostly just awesome. So, so awesome.

For example.

A couple Sundays ago, we were talking about seeing through the lens of God's grace. Specifically, seeing ourselves through that lens. The verse was Romans 12:3. And the message was clear: Hey, it's not about me so self, get off yo high horse. But also, hey, God made me, why am I bashin his creation? The second part is what really got to me. And then the pastor brought out a projector and talked about how often we try to make ourselves loved, make ourselves worthy, make ourselves better, we project who we are, instead of living out our true identities.

Holy cow, did that get to me.

I do that SO MUCH. Non-stop. And okay, on the one hand, I guess it's good to want to be a better person. But on the other hand, that kind of thinking gets me into lots of trouble. Because I never measure up to the perfection I keep striving for. It's like all I feel is pressure to be act a certain way, to say the right things, to be a different kind of person. And it's so completely exhausting. I got so bogged down when I think of who I'm supposed to be, but what the heck does that even mean? It's like I have multiple identities. Shy Kaitlyn, goofy Kaitlyn, angry Kaitlyn, fun Kaitlyn, smart Kaitlyn, the list goes on. Seriously?? I don't want to be a list!

I want to be the child of God that I know I am.

And the thing is I've been so busy projecting and trying and striving and failing that I haven't taken the time to delight in that fact: I am a child of God. And that's something I don't have to strive for, because I can't earn that. That's grace. And it's already been paid for.

I learned on that Sunday that God gives us a measure of faith so that we can know him, and therefore know ourselves THROUGH him. And through that faith, I know this: I don't want to live for myself. I don't want to strive for unattainable perfection. I don't want to project the Kaitlyn that I think I should be. I want to love myself because I belong to the LORD. And btw the way he made me wasn't a mistake. Because, watch out Ima drop some knowledge, he's perfect and doesn't make mistakes.

So, I'm gonna start me a new list. Actually I'm going to start it and end it:
1. God made me to show the world who HE is.

Amen.