Like a sun comin out of a rainy sky.

One of the things I love most about my Father is that no matter how long I spend in his word or how many Sunday sermons I hear or how many times a piece of Truth clicks in my noggin, I'm not even CLOSE to fathoming the depth of who He is. Every noggin of the the entire human race isn't even close! He's big.

So one of the first things Mike Whipple, the speaker at Fall Retreat, asked us to do on Friday night was to pray that God would teach us something that weekend. I prayed it. But I didn't really expect anything. Especially since the topic for the night was "Radical Decision" which I had already made. But something he said about God's character made me think of something I learned in D-time a few weeks ago: When our perception of God is distorted, it clouds our view of him so much that our relationship with him becomes tainted and we cannot walk with him the way he intends. Every sin can be traced back to that idea. Adam and Eve perceived that God was holding out on them, so they disobeyed his commands and chose their own path, apart from their Creator. And as Mr. Whipple kept talking, I realized I had been letting my view of God get pretty cloudy recently.

The focus of his talk was on making the decision to follow Jesus. And the number one reason we can make that decision is because of who Jesus is.

1. He is GOOD and his intentions toward me are good. Jeremiah 29:11. That's one of my favorite Bible verses, and yet I had forgotten that it was true for me! He puts each of our names in that verse: "For I know the plans for you, Katie, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future." And he means it.

2. He is wise and He knows what is best for me. Can I argue with that? Can I honestly say that I am a better judge of how my life should pan out? Uhhh no. Jeremiah 10:12 says that "It is HE who made the earth by his power, who established the world by his freedom, and by his understanding stretched out the heavens." The one who did all that, who continues to hold the universe in the palms of his hands, is in control of my life! And everything he was and is and will be is like a giant face palm that reminds me that I am completely hopeless on my own and by his incredible MERCY, he puts up with my whining.

3. He is FAITHFUL and TRUSTWORTHY. This is the hardest part for me. Even though I know in my heart and soul that not one word has failed of all the good things that the LORD has promised [Joshua 23:14]. I get so frustrated with myself sometimes. He is God, and I am a little girl. Why do I continually trust myself more than Him? And once again, why does He put up with that? Well, he loves me. In spite of my doubts and my questions and my frustration and impatience, he can't get enough of me. And if he has to show me his faithfulness and trustworthiness over and over until the day I see him face to face, he will. And he will delight in doing so. Because he loves to walk through life with me! And he loves to teach and re-teach and re-re-teach me things about himself because he desperately wants my view of him to be clear!

On a semi-related note, I discovered a new David Crowder Band song! They played it at their concert last week (Best concert I've ever been to. Forizzle.) It's called Let me feel you shine. And I really really like this one part:

I lift the knife to the thing I love most, 

praying you'll come so I can have both. 

What I need is for you to touch me, 

what I need is for you to be the thing that I need.

What beautiful boldness would I have if I could live my life in constant surrender of the things I hold most dear, trusting that the LORD is good and that He will come through for me.

Desires and delights.

My plans are so safe.
My little bubble of security is like a guarantee that I won't be caught off guard.
It all seems so good to me.
Why can't I just get what I want?
Why can't my designs be fool proof?

Maybe it's because I was made for more.
More than a safe and secure life.
More than a bubble.
More than perfection.
More than my plans for myself.

John 3:30 says, "He must increase, but I must decrease."

HE must become greater, I must become less.
HE must be magnified, I must be microscopic.

I'm not here for me.

I'm here to proclaim the name of Jesus to all corners of the Earth.
I'm here to prepare the way of the LORD. Like John the Baptist - I'm here to give GLORY to the One who was and is and is to come.
I'm here to point others to the LORD of the universe.
How can my hopes/dreams/goals/plans be greater than that?

The thread of my life is being weaved in this magnificent tapestry. Do I trust the weaver even when I can't see the masterpiece he is creating?
There is freedom in that trust. There is joy in that faith. And there is life in the fullest way imaginable when I bow before Him and LET GO.

"Delight yourself in the LORD, and He will give you the desires of your heart" [Psalm 37:4]

I think God is saying Rest in me. I think he sees how disappointed and tired we feel when we place our trust in ourselves.
And I think in this verse "delight" and "desire" are interchangeable.
What if it said:

"Desire the LORD, and He will be the delight of your heart."

That humbles me so much.

Because it doesn't say be a Christian and you'll always get what you want.

It says surrender yourself and dance before your King and your desire will be for Him.

What if I prayed the line in the Lord's prayer,

"Your will be done on Earth as it is in Heaven,"

and really meant it?

What if I said "God this is what I want for me. But I trust in you so much that I am willing to let go of it. Because my heart knows that your way is better."
I think my life would change because I would be completely satisfied in letting Him have His way in me.

Knowledge extravaganza part three: GRACE

I think one of the things that sets Christianity apart from so many other ways of life is that it is a constant process. Yeah, I'm saved from the moment I invite Jesus into my heart as my savior, but that doesn't mean by any means that I live that way. This summer I learned that sometimes I still live like I'm in chains.

One of the first things I learned on project was from my Bible study leader, Lindsay. It stuck with me for the whole eight weeks because it was something I had never made true in my life: Because of what Christ has done for me, I am no longer a sinner but a saint. If Christ is within me, I have His nature. It sounds crazy doesn't it? And let me clarify that it doesn't mean I don't sin or I don't struggle with temptations, it means that I am not condemned for it. Something else that struck me was the fact that so many people know the beginning of Romans 3:23 (For all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God), but THERE'S A SECOND PART.

"And all are justified by grace as a gift through the redemption of Jesus Christ."

Yes, I absolutely fall short of the glory of God. But that doesn't mean I get to feel sorry for myself or wallow in my mistakes or feel too unworthy to be loved by Him. It means I can CELEBRATE because when the Father looks at me, he sees his son. He sees the light of Jesus shining through me and he is PLEASED.

I feel like the Gospel is hard to hear sometimes because it reveals how unholy we are. And it points out our brokenness, our darkness, our pain, our fear, our lonliness, our sin. But I think the true definition of unholy isn't full of sin, I think it's void of God. Because He IS holiness. He is completely good, completely love, completely sinless - He can't be anything BUT holy. So I think the unholiness of this world, of our hearts and thoughts and actions is a pretty easy thing to dwell on, to sit in, to let consume us with pity and hopelessness and apathy.

But when we grasp what the LORD did for us in sending His son, in becoming flesh, in being nailed to a cross - holiness becomes attainable. Because we have been RECONCILED with our Maker, we can be holy as He is holy. There is no more shame, no more condemnation. There is only HE who is alive in us. I am restored to oneness with Him. And His holiness is reflected on me so much that I am a BLINDING light that cuts the darkness of sin like a knife.

He has called me His own in spite of my unholiness so I can call His holiness my own. That's what Grace is: a sinner becoming a SAINT through the holiness of Jesus.

The story of the bleeding woman is one of my favorites [Luke 8:40-48]. Something about it reminds me so much of myself. Not that I'm an outcast of society or have a strange disease, but I know how being hopeless and desperate feels. And I too have tried to heal myself and produce an identity for myself and survive by myself. And that might as well be a disease. Let's be honest, when I take control of my life and hold onto my sins and fears, I'm not living as the saint He has created me to be. But when I reach out my hand, He's there. And He knows me by touch. One look at me and He sees all I've been through, all my pain. He sees how desperately I need Him. And He sees what I've done - my guilt and shame - but he doesn't hold it against me. He gazes into my eyes and gives me new worth. And in that moment, I know I'm His forever.

The coolest part about the story is that Scripture gives the woman no name, but Jesus calls her "Daughter." And isn't that what He does for each of us? He gives us an identity not by our own worth or works, but IN HIM and THROUGH GRACE.

Knowledge extravaganza part two: HOPE

Hi there friends!

Sorry for the long break between parts one and two for those who have been waiting...aka Memsies. I've been distracted by packing and cleaning and meijering and dairy queening and stuff! But now I'm back at Purdue sitting at my new desk in my new room with my new roommate in her gross cheerleading shirt. And it is wonderful. It's been a whirlwind of meeting SO MANY new people and squealing out "oh my gosh it's so good to see you!!" SO MANY times. But it's been AWESOME!! It feels like I'm picking up right where I left off, which is really cool. And lots of people are askin about project so I get to talk about it a ton and it's really really fun :)

So...I learned something really cool this summer. Let me start by saying that elementary week of camp was seriously one of the hardest things I have endured. Four girls tested me to my limits and pushed me to my breaking point and gave me more attitude than I thought was possible for eight year olds. By the grace of God and the help of my co-counselors Carissa and Megan, we did it. Throughout the week, I got to have one-on-one time with one of our girls, Sabrina. At the beginning of the week, she was having trouble fitting in, and she even thought about leaving our cabin. She was so upset that she started crying and she ended up sharing a lot of what was going on in her life at home. I didn't know how to respond. She looked so broken as she told me of the abuse she had received from two men in her life. I makes me sick to think of how much pain she has faced in such a short time on this earth. My arms around her shoulders didn't feel like nearly enough.

By Wednesday, I was feeling so led to talk to her. I knew how much she needed to hear that she is loved MAGNIFICENTLY by a Father who would never hurt her. So we met together and she shared more about her life, and how utterly hopeless she felt. I told her about my relationship with Jesus. How he died for me, and he died for her. How he created the whole world and how he desires for us to know him. And I asked her what she thought and she shrugged and said she didn't know if she even believed in God. And it was like all of a sudden I realized, she was encompassed by an unbelievable amount of pain, shame, darkness, and fear, and she didn't have a Savior. She was alone. She was empty of hope, because she had no one to be her hope.

It was hard. It was really really hard. All I kept thinking was, how is she going to make it? How is she going to go back home and be okay? I wanted to keep her with me so she wouldn't have to face the ugliness and the sin that stole so many pieces from her heart. And I kept praying, God show yourself to her! Burst through the clouds and speak her name! She needs you, can't you see it? But I thought of how much love I had for this little girl, this beautiful little girl who still smiles after all she's been through. And then I thought of how much love her Papa has for her. He knows her in and out, he knew her before she was born, and he is holding her in his hands. He is moving in her life. He is moving toward her, always. And he is calling out her name LOUD. Because he can see how much she needs him, how he is the only thing she needs. Because in him is all the hope in the world.

And I needed some of that hope too. A lot of it, actually. Because I knew I wouldn't be seeing her again. I knew she would go home and life would continue as usual. But God reminded me so sweetly of how he brought her to camp. He gave her a week in his glorious presence. And he KNOWS what lies ahead for her. So I am thankful. So incredibly thankful that he brought her into my life this summer, and he used me to show himself to her. And he has taught me that his word shall not return empty [Isaiah 55:11] and that he will complete the good works he starts [Philippians 1:6].

I will think of Sabrina, and hope in the LORD that she hears his whisper. When I hear these lines form"Jesus Paid it All":

And now indeed I find

thy power and thine alone

can change the leper's spot

and melt this heart of stone.

I pray with everything in me that she will put her hope in THE ONE TRUE GOD who has the power to  restore her brokenness through grace.

_________

CLASSES START TOMORROW OH MY ACHIN TENTACLES

It's gonna be a good year.

Knowledge extravaganza part one: JOY

I knew there was a good reason God gave me this desire to go to Colorado: He had stuff to teach me that He could only teach me there. Seriously, there have been things I've been struggling with for MONTHS that I've finally let go of and laid at His feet. There have been so many things I've heard before that haven't truly clicked until I heard them at Snowridge. And the cool part is, it's not stopping. He's building on more and more and sometimes I feel like my brain is going to explode and my heart is going to burst but I LOVE IT! He is good. Even if He has to break my legs to make me lie down in green pastures, He is good.

So, there are three parts to this knowledge extravaganza: Joy, Hope, and Grace. These words have changed their meanings for me. I hope I explain what I've learned well enough and God reveals something new to you too :)

This is what I think of when I think of Joy:

For you shall go out in

JOY

and be led forth in peace.

The mountains before you shall

break forth into singing,

and all the trees of the field

shall clap their hands.

Isaiah 55:12

What the heck?? That is the coolest thing I have ever read. Mountains are singing and trees are clapping their hands. Why? Because they are filled with this unexplainable JOY that comes from their CREATOR. That's the kind of Joy that He wants me to have too.

I didn't believe that for the longest time. I thought the inescapable sadness I felt so often was my fault. I felt shame in my sense of hopelessness. I didn't think I deserved Joy because I couldn't find it on my own. God is more than willing to play the role of Superman and fly me out of that pit, but man, He wants more for me. And I think He spoke to me this summer. I was surrounded by darkness and He whispered ask for my Joy. So I did. I prayed for something I had never given a second thought to. Joy. Awhile ago, I think the lie was planted in my head that finding Joy was my responsibility. That if I wasn't constantly overflowing with pure Joy all the time, I was doing something wrong. DUMB. My Joy comes from Him, and He is glad to pour it over me.

I read this book I found in Ute lodge (where all the girls on project stayed. Also known as Uterus lodge...) called The Furious Longing of God and something the author, Brennan Manning, suggests doing is holding out your palms, closing your eyes and saying "Abba, I belong to you." I think that's beautiful. And I guess it's my way of saying "God I need you right now. I need to be reminded that you love me, that you created me for good works and you are leading me to walk in them. LORD, fill me with the Joy that comes from knowing these things. Put the biggest smile on my face because I belong to you." I say that simple phrase, and everything changes. The battle that's raging in my heart comes to a hault because with those words, the enemy FLEES. Joy is powerful stuff.

There's a little snippet for ya. Forrealsies, don't be afraid to ask for Joy.

Here's a random picture of a freakin cool Colorado rainbow.
Papa's a SWEET painter.

[Abba, I belong to YOU]

BAMBI.

You know what I think is really super cool? When God answers silly little prayers that are just kind of said in passing. To him, I don't think they're silly at all. I think he loves that we ask him for things. My last blog was pretty much about this same kind of thing: God loves to wow us. So about a week ago (and this was also inspired by the book Captivating) I was like God, it would be awesome if you showed me something really cool in your creation before I leave. And a part of me felt kind of guilty for asking that. Like I need more than what he's already done for me? But I'm starting to realize that thinking like that is pretty twisted. He is rich in mercy and abounding in love. RICH and ABOUNDING. His blessings are neverending! And when we go to him and ask him to show up in big ways and small, he is glorified.

So, today God showed me something pretty spectacular. It was a baby deer. She was born under the porch of one of the cabins and her mom was standing by waiting for her to take her first steps. Actually, the baby was kind of stuck under the steps and unable to get up on her own, so Judy (a wonderful lady who partially owns the camp / cooks / is our resident Grandma this summer) went over and picked up the teensy little baby and moved her out from under the steps. She was still all slimy from being born! Judy said she was about 20 minutes old. It was SO COOL. And it was the most adorable thing I have ever seen.

Thanks Papa :)

Princeton? Conquered.

Well, yesterday I climbed a mountain. And this was a legit mountain. Cuz the summit was above tree line! I didn't even know what that meant until I was like oh, there are no trees up here...lolz. It was 14,204 feet! If you're hip with the lingo you'd call that a fourteener. And that's like a pretty big deal.

IT WAS AWESOME.

First of all, it was absolutely gorgeous. The amazing view of the Rockies surrounding us, the view of the top of Mount Princeton that kept us pushing upward, the bluest sky I have ever seen, and the occasional patch of wild flowers growing oddly between the rocks. It reminds me so much of something I just read in the book Captivating:

"Nature is not primarily functional. It is primarily beautiful."

It is meant to astound us! What other use do flowers and mountains and sunsets and stars have other than to shout GOD IS GLORIOUS over and over? My discipler/friend/love of my life Dayna and I were saying that it was really cool that even people who don't know the LORD appreciate his beauty. And we concluded that probably the only reason they do is because they're seeing HIM when they see his work.

Every time the wind nearly knocked me over while I teetered on an unsteady rock, I just thought to myself "My God is in control of this - and he is definitely showing off his power right now." When I got out of my tent in the middle of the night to pee in the woods and I looked above my head, the sight of the countless stars took my breath away. And doesn't the LORD love to do that? It's a gift that my eyes got to see that! And when I cherish that gift, it gives even more glory to the Giver.

As I made my way up the eight miles of winding, rocky, windy trail, I realized something pretty sweet. I have to trust God with my every step. I could have so easily slipped on a loose rock or slid down a snowy cliff or just like passed out from exhaustion - but He provided for me safe footing and sturdy rocks to cling to and someone's footsteps to follow and energy from who knows where. I was honestly scared to death at some points, and I was seriously questioning what the heck I had gotten myself into when it was hard to breath after the first quarter of a mile. But my God gave me strength and just enough oxygen to make it to that summit (and all the way back down...which definitely wasn't as easy as I thought it would be...)

And isn't that just like life? If it was easy, we wouldn't need Him. If we were strong enough, we wouldn't have to put our trust in Him. If nature was all function, we would miss those glorious glimpses of His beauty.

Ponder that, children.

So that was my FANTASTIC weekend :)
I miss you all lots and lots! And I wish you were here to see all this with me!

Holy Holy Holy is the LORD; the whole earth is full of his glory.
(If you're lookin for something cool to read, check out Isaiah 6)

Cocoville.

I'm here I'm here I'm here I'm here

It already feels like home! Which is kinda strange since it's only been about a week. It's the people. Each person I've met is like a perfect little shell on the beach of God's creation (yeah, I just said that). But seriously! When I'm surrounded by a group of laughing, beautiful, God-loving people, I feel blessed beyond compare. ALSO, the scenery. I knew there was a reason I've always wanted to go to Colorado! The evidence of the LORD's fingerprints on every tree and flower and mountain takes my breath away. I'm like God, seriously, can you get any cooler?

I've been trying to ignore this issue, but I need to confess that something's on my heart, and I'm not quite sure what it is. Moments of quiet bring me to tears because of this overwhelming feeling of restlessless. I want peace and I want to be made new and I want to bring glory to my Father with all of my heart...but there's something holding me back. It became clear to me today that I need to surrender IT, whatever it is, to the LORD. He so desperately wants to fill me with his peace, I'm just having a hard time letting him. So I'm praying for a conversation, a mini soul to soul, with someone here. I'm almost positive it'll result in a break down, but after that comes the build up right?

So, if you're reading, know that I'm having an UNBELIEVABLE time here at camp. But also keep me in your prayers. God's going to change me this summer, I know he is.

More of you, less of me.

Whoopsies.

Oh hey there friends...remember me?

Well, here I sit outside the Starbucks waiting for my dad to come with gas to fill my completely empty tank (yes, I finally pushed old Bessie to the limit. 27 miles with the gas light on is too much.) I'm late for work, and I sense that I'm about to get yelled at, but I feel...good.

It's been hard to get into a rhythm of spending time with the LORD at home. There are over 300 TV channels to watch, there's a mall with an H&M, there's tons of friends and family to hang out with, there's a kitchen full of food and a basket of gift cards - my life got so FULL all of a sudden. It seems like there's less time in the day, but for most of that time, I've been making excuses and getting distracted. And that feels awful. The gnawing feeling in my tummy and the voice in my head that says "DO something!" over and over are too hard to ignore anymore. I miss Purdue. I miss Campus House and my Shreve girls. I miss community and I miss God's presence. And good grief, I miss blogging about it!!

So let's go back. To Panama City (UH HUH)

Something changed in me that week. I didn't know what to expect, and honestly, I didn't know what compelled me to go. But I let go of fear and worries and control and said "God, this week is yours. Make something happen." And then I was surprised when it was the best week of my life. Silly Katie.

Evangelism has always been a scary, nausea-inducing word for me. I've had so many thoughts about it. People will think I'm weird. Everyone knows about Jesus. Nobody wants to listen. I won't know what to say. I'm not cut out for this. But you know? It's amazing how easily I believe those lies. The world tells me these things. But somewhere on a beach in Florida, these thoughts flipped. Completely.

People, all people, are precious to the LORD. He desires so much to enter into each of our hearts. Do I honestly believe that? And if God has changed my life and saves me from my brokenness, do I believe he is calling me to share his love with those who need it? I never did before. But I'm realizing that my reputation and how others think of me is so completely unimportant compared to someone else's heart, life, and salvation. And when I trust in the Holy Spirit to guide me, my words may be just what someone needs to hear.

We talked a lot about divine appointments at Big Break, and I guess I never realized how amazing they can be. I met a girl named Kelly. She was about to graduate high school and she said she thought she was a Christian, but that she wasn't a very good one. And in that moment, I knew she needed to hear how much the LORD loved her and how she could receive the gift of grace. So we talked, we prayed, and she accepted Christ. Fireworks were shooting off in my head and angels were singing in heaven. The presence of God was there with us in the sand, and I'll always remember the look of joy on Kelly's face.

That's what I was put on this earth to be a small part of - the uncontainable joy that comes from bringing glory to God.

Yeah, people may have already heard of Jesus. They may hate him, or they may hate Christians. They may think I'm lame, and they may not take what I have to say to heart. But the LORD is calling me to love them. To listen, to serve, to be patient and kind. To be me - as sinful as I may be - and to proclaim his name.

So that's what I will do.

___________________________________________________

At church on Sunday, we talked about surrender. Something specific we've been holding onto that we're keeping from God that he so desires for us to surrender to him. Well, I thought of lots of things. But one thing that has been bugging me ever since I came home was my time. My good friend Barb prayed for me, and I felt really good about it. So I've decided to surrender my love of sleeping in to get up early and spend time with God (and by early I mean like 9am.) And what better place to do that than a coffee shop right? (I have a caffeine problem.)

Let me tell ya, it was amazing. It was a perfect morning. The baristas were really friendly, and I met a guy from Ethiopia who started talking to me about Purdue and coffee and devotionals. It was cool. It was like God was reminding me that every moment of my life is his. Not just the time I set aside for reading my Bible, but every conversation, every thought, every feeling. I am His. And I can't turn it off and on, I don't want to! I was like crying on the way to work, like God why are you so good to me?? And he was like cuz I love you duhhh.

So there you have it! Some snippets of what's been goin down the past two months (Whoopsies. I've been slackin in the blog department recently.)

Hey guess what! I'm going to Colorado on Friday. I still can't believe it. I'm going to COLORADO for EIGHT WEEKS! So you know what that means...

God this summer is yours. Make something happen.

:)

HEY.

So, I'm back from Big Break. And I just wanna go back in time and do it all again. It was the best week of my life, I'm pretty darn sure. God did SO many cool things! In my heart, in the community I had with other CRU peeps, and especially on the beach. I praise him for such a beautiful experience. And don't worry, dear readers, I'll have lots and lots to share with you from what I learned and saw and brought home with me. Just hold your horsies, okay?

With love,
K. Bizzle

You betta, you betta, you bet.

At church today, I was feeling a little discouraged. A little angry at myself for failing to be more outgoing this weekend. It's like...well, it's like what he said at church today, "I'm an introvert who pretends to be an extrovert." And sometimes, that really does not work out. So, the thought has been rolling around in my head (for awhile now, actually):

When am I going to get better?

You see, it's really easy for me to buy into the lie that my life would magically be better if I was more outgoing / confident. If I was different or if I was more like some of my friends who make it look so darn easy or if I could just get over whatever the heck is keeping me from being a normal human being, THEN my life would really start and I wouldn't have to worry about anything.

Dumb.

But I do it all the time! I have SO much trouble accepting that God didn't screw up when he made me. And this leads to lots and lots of sin. There's no weaseling around that. Being bitter about the way God made me (cuz that's really what I'm doing, isn't it?) is sin.

I love the way the end of Romans 12:3 is written in the Message Bible:

The only accurate way to understand ourselves is by what God is and by what he does for us, not by what we are and what we do for him.

When I look at myself with a judgmental, sinful, human perspective, I feel like I'm failing. And you know what? Maybe from the world's view I am. But when the LORD looks at me? He sees my heart. He sees my love for him. He sees the cross, the blood that was shed for my sin. And he says, "It is very good."

And there's more! The areas in my life that need some work are places where my Father's light is BURSTING to shine through. My sin is ugly and there are pieces of my heart that are broken, but still, the LORD is enthralled by me [Psalm 45].

How? Why? The distance between my shame and his glory is unfathomable. But this is the thought that crept into my mind this morning:

Where I see failing, he sees opportunity. He sees spaces in my heart he longs to fill. He sees mountains he's aching to climb with me. He sees depths of my soul that no one else can, and his voice is calling out, Come be with me.

I feel like the prostitute in Hosea. She keeps turning away from LORD. She's doing things her own way, placing her worth in everything but Him, losing sight of who she is meant to be. But he waits for her. He allures her. And then, he betroths her to him forever. 

He wrote those words for me to read, for each of us. He is faithful, he is patient. And he is waiting for each of us to take his hand, to lose our broken selves, and to gain him instead. And when we do that, when we take his mighty hand, we are not our own. We are his. And how beautifully does that change things. I begin to transform. Not by my own doing, but by his love. In seeking him and desiring him, how can I not start to be better? By letting Christ compel my life, how can I not accept who I am?

Oh golly. God's grace is a perfect conundrum. But the best part is, each time he reveals (and re-reveals) it to me, I catch a new glimpse of who He is. 

Breathtaking.

In a breath, the world finds its place.

You teach the stars how to shine

and the oceans to meet the coasts.

From the dust you form me,

you exhale life into my lungs.

And the sun rises and sets

as you wrap its warmth around me.

A whisper in my ear turns my face from yours.

My hands reach for the alluring piece of fruit

as yours fall numbly into your lap.

Your footsteps are soft,

and I don’t notice your figure slowly disappear

until a gust of chilling wind makes me

gasp and I take my first breath alone.

I lose myself and start to run –

my feet blistering as they tread upon the broken earth.

Tears of shame stain my face.

I swallow the voice that longs to call your name.

In my solitude, frustration erupts into anger

and I abandon my desire for you.

Lust and greed consume my dry spirit in a fire.

Among a throng of hatred,

I find my home.

We scream and curse a man on a tree,

sweating, drowning in blood.

I watch him take his final gasp of air.

As I turn to leave, something

in the lines of his lifeless face

nails my feet to the ground.

My heart breaks when I remember you

and I can faintly feel your arms around me.

I collapse at the foot of the cross

for it was I who took your breath away.

Wowzers.

Something truly amazing happened to me last week. And I've been waitin since last Friday for the blogger bug to bite me so I'd be in the right state of mind to really give it justice. Ohhhh boy.

Okay, let's start off by saying Blue Like Jazz is possibly the COOLEST book I've ever read. Don Miller is such an interesting writer! He says the most astonishing things. Like, I have to stop and reread things because it sounds like he's speaking directly to my heart. It's awesome. Read it.

So anyway, I had just finished the chapter about loving others. He talks about a lot of cool things. Like livin with hippies. But the most amazing part of the chapter came at the very end. He pointed out that there are always two conversations going on when we talk to someone: one of words and one between hearts. And to genuinely love others, we have to feel something in our hearts for them, something deep and pure. The last words of the chapter are:

"When I go to meet somebody, I pray that God will help me feel His love for them. I ask God to make it so both conversations, the one from the mouth and the one from the heart, are true."

I thought that was truly beautiful.

I want that. I don't even know how it can happen, how I can feel God's love, but I want it!

Now, for some background information:

The day before I read that chapter in Blue Like Jazz, I wrote "I miss being in love, God. I really miss it." That's it. And the thing is, I didn't really expect anything to come from it.

But then, I met this boy. His name is DeMarco. He's very sweet and very loud. He was really early for his class and he just started talking to me about school, life, even Blue Like Jazz which was sitting beside me on the floor. At one point he said something like "Why am I talking to you? I don't even know you!" But he said that I seemed very nice and that he was glad to meet me. After we said goodbye, I was in a state of...elation.

That's when all this clicked.

I realized that I can be in love. Yes, in a relationship with a boy and someday my husband, and the people in my life like my family and friends. But SO much more so than that!

By asking God to let me feel his love for everyone I meet, I can fall in love -- a giddy, joyful, crazy, unexplainable kind of love -- for everyone he loves. Even those who are hard to love. Those with flaws, those who have made mistakes. People filled with hatred and brokenness. With heavy hearts, secret pasts, lonely existences. People who don't want anything to do with God. People who hate Christianity. And people I happen to meet in the hallway at Heavilon. ALL OF EM.

See, I didn't write "I miss having a boyfriend." I wrote "I miss being in love." And the LORD showed me that I don't need a boyfriend to fall in love. I just need HIM.

Gosh He is so darn faithful! He answered my prayer in such a beautiful way. I think I'm different. I think I want to be in love with the world as much as I want to be in love with Jesus.

WOWZERS so that was my amazing moment of late.

My God is so good :)

Dance with My Beloved.

The fire of a deep yearning

and the coolness of a numbing pain

are at war within my soul.

Come you speak over me.

But I don’t want to dance today.

Your calm smile and the twinkling gleam

in your eyes pull me, unwillingly, to my feet.

You gaze at me

like I’m dressed for my wedding day,

and I feel suddenly shy.

Our fingers intertwine.

My limp hands seem unworthy

in the cradle of yours.

My clumsy feet begin to move

in time with your perfect rhythm.

You hum the melody of my favorite song.

Your strong arms spin me around,

and you paint a breathless smile

on my sullen face.

We pause.

I take a breath and nervously offer

my jagged pieces to you.

Blood rushes to my cheeks

as you press your lips against my hand,

and whisper you are mine.

Gracefully,

you make the stars appear and

restore my sweetly broken heart.

Vows.

Their fingers lace,
their eyes sparkle, like diamonds,
as they wait, quietly on the wooden bench.
The rose in her cheeks warms the solemn room.

You can come in now, says the judge.
They exchange an apprehensive smile,
tears pool in her freshly lined eyes.

He hands her a simple bouquet of yellow daisies,
and she delicately holds them in her small, shaking hands.
Well, do I look okay? she asks,
as she smoothes the wrinkles from her worn ivory dress.

He pulls her close and kisses her sweetly on the temple.
We’re ready he whispers.
She nods, and they follow the judge through the open door.

I have a thing for stars...

I love em, I love em, I love em.

That's probably why this is one of my favorite parts of the Bible:

Lift up your eyes and see,

who created these?

He who brings out their host by number,

calling them all by name,

by the greatness of his might,

and because he is strong in power,

not one is missing.

Isaiah 40:26

Goodness. It blows my mind imagining God calling out the stars by name. It's so beautiful to think about! Because, really that's how the stars appear you know? You notice one, and then another one, and pretty soon they're everywhere! And of course, what we city folk see isn't even the half of it. The darkest sky I've seen was in Arizona and that wasn't even the half of it! It makes me smile to think that's the kind of God I love, the one who created the stars and calls them all by name.

This verse makes me think of two things:

1. The part in The Magician's Nephew in the Chronicles of Narnia when Aslan is singing Narnia into existence. That seriously made me cry (C.S. Lewis has some serious power over my tear ducts, let me tell you).

"In the darkness something was happening at last. A voice had begun to sing. It was very far away and Digory found it hard to decide from what direction it was coming. Sometimes it seemed to come from all directions at once. Sometimes he almost thought it was coming out of the earth beneath them. Its lower notes were deep enough to be the voice of the earth herself. There were no words. There was hardly even a tune. But it was, beyond comparison, the most beautiful noise he had ever heard. It was so beautiful he could hardly bear it...Then two wonders happened at the same moment. One was that the voice was suddenly joined by the other voices; more voices than you could possibly count. They were in harmony with it, but far higher up the scale; cold, tingling, silvery voices. The second wonder was that the blackness overhead, all at once, was blazing with stars. They didn't come out gently one by one, as they do on a summer evening. One moment there had been nothing but darkness; next moment a thousand, thousand points of light leapt out -- single stars, constellations, and planets, brighter and bigger than any in our world. There were no clouds. The new stars and the new voices began at exactly the same time. If you had seen and heard it, as Digory did, you would have felt quite certain that it was the stars themselves that were singing, and that it was the First Voice, the deep one, which had made them appear and made them sing."

Perfect.

2. Something that God shows me about himself again and again and again. It's the fact that he is LORD of the universe. He created everything, he holds it together. He gave us breath, and he can take it away. The earth and everything in it is HIS. And yet, he loves each and every one of his creations. Intimately and overwhelmingly. He carved the mountains, he molded the trees, he paints the clouds, he calls the stars. And he loves us. It's like...hmm. A giant funnel (stay with me here). All the power and strength and fierce, fierce love of the LORD of the UNIVERSE is funneled down into the hearts of each of his children. This makes me feel unbelievably happy, but also completely dumbfounded. How do I respond to that kind of love? How do I even understand it?

Well, I can't. But that's another thing God shows me. He's so much bigger than my tiny little noggin can fathom :) And, that's pretty awesome. You know, that's another reason stars are so cool. He uses them as a colossal I LOVE YOU shining in the sky each and every night, just because he can.

The elm in winter.

This was my first workshop poem! Aka the class is gonna rip it to shreds on wednesday when they critique it. Good times. Wish me luck!

____________________________________________

The Elm in Winter

My feet trudge through a trench of snow, like boulders.

Hanging like a wilted flower from its stem,

my head is fixed on the frozen earth.

My spirit is hollow, as the dry log of the ancient elm that stands,

crooked and coiled, before me.

Twigs drip tears of mournful snow from brittle branches,

longing for green,

shaking and cracking from a frigid gust of winter wind.

I crumple like a lifeless leaf,

aimlessly to the unforgiving ground.

I align my tired spine with yours,

two weary companions, we lean.

But as I sink into your rugged core,

a pulse of my heart, or yours,

a lurch of life, a jolt of energy,

radiates an awakening of warmth between our trunks.

At once, I feel your limbs around me in an embrace,

the touch of your sandpaper bark like a kiss against my skin.

Far beneath your wooded armor,

your xylem and phloem slowly squeeze vital sap,

your life blood,

from your roots in the dirt to your branches,

your outstretched arms,

dancing against winter’s sky.

Your spirit thrives, rooted within your skeleton.

I feel it consume your veins like a quiet flame,

as the breeze flows through your fingers to my lungs,

breathing the small hope of life into my soul,

resisting the ease of death.

Prey.

Okay, this one was kinda weird. I had to start it with the words "Truth is the mosquito bite..." Why? Oh who knows. Somethin about imagery or metaphors or somethin.
________________________________________________

Prey

Truth is the mosquito bite,

stinging and throbbing,

a mark of survival,

the thirst for blood.

Like a leper’s spot or a malignant mole,

the beast has marked her victim,

and disfigured its defenseless hide,

swiftly, without warning.

And now she has you,

consumed, burning, perpetually clawing

at the meager speck of a wound,

seeking relief from the prickling itch.

Though her dagger is a mere thistle,

and her power shrinks in a breath,

you are her prey,

now and always,

a sweet and hopeless carcass.

That blue hour.

Here you go, adoring fans. The first of many poems I've written for my creative writing class.

______________________________________________

That Blue Hour

In that blue hour,

when the stars are within reach,

you meet me,

you take my hand,

and we will fly.

Yes, we will soar above the world of impossibilities,

and of the persistent clamor of time,

and when we land,

the stars will become fireflies,

dancing against a backdrop of black,

and as we spin,

a sweet, distant breeze will stroke our faces.

And nothing will matter anymore,

we will be too far away,

in our clandestine world of black and white.

But all my hope cannot hold those fireflies close,

they will dart again to their holes in the sky,

as the ambient light radiates,

like a slow burning flame,

piercing the darkness,

deeper,

until a great spindle of light consumes the horizon in a fiery blaze.

And we will watch our world melt and crack,

like a delicate sheet of glassy ice,

and our hands will loosen their grasps as we fall,

through the flames,

down,

once more to our separate cages.

As dawn reduces twilight to ashes,

and Aurora sings the harsh sun into the sky,

my eyes will open to see wavelengths of red and orange,

smoldering through the window pane.

And you will be as far from me as the stars are once again,

a distant memory,

a hopeful dream,

a frozen image confined to my surreal, imagined world,

like of one Dalí’s elephants,

or a single shooting star,

light-years away,

whose tail disappears in a wave of daylight,

almost as soon as it catches my eye.

Upperdater.

Let me start off by saying that this one doesn't really have a point...

I just have been writing a TON for my creative writing class (no, really?) and reading a bunch for my com and English classes (also, big shocker) so blogging has been kind of a second thought. But no way am I complaining. I feel so blessed because for the first time in a WHILE, I feel like I'm in the right place at the right time doing the right thing. I'm growing close with some lovely people here at Purdue, I'm enjoying my classes, and I'm pretty darn content. I mean, yeah I catch myself in lonely moments sometimes, wishing things were different, but I'm leaning on my Father in those moments. Asking for his strength. Working on trusting him with every aspect of my life.

What I'm really excited for is this summer...potentially. I would absolutely LOVE to go on a summer project with CRU to Yellowstone. I applied and everything, and I pray that God will lead me exactly where he wants me to be, even if it's not there. But GOSH, wouldn't that be amazing? Meeting new people, spending tons of time in fellowship, serving others as much as I can, connecting with God in new ways, and living in one of the most beautiful places on the gol-darn planet?? (or so I've heard) Sigh. Sounds perfect to me :)

So that's the haps in my thrilling life these past couple weeks back at school.
Hope y'all iz doin well too!

You are making me new.

I don't share my prayers on my blog very often, but this is different. I was at Starbucks last week and I knew I needed to say some things to the Lord. But I didn't know THIS was going to happen. I think it was the Spirit. I didn't stop writing for at least an hour, and I didn't care that tears were streaming down my face. It was a beautiful moment. And I wanted to share it with you.
______________________________________________________

God, I am restless about so many things right now. But I am comforted knowing that when I come before you, you will give me rest. Every time Lord, without fail. I praise you for that, Father. I am so thankful that you keep no record of how many times I mess up or lose my temper or hide from you or turn away from things you want me to do. Thank you for your forgiveness. Thank you for looking at what is at the core of my heart, not all the messy layers that I've built up for myself.

Those layers are the worst.

They keep me from you because they keep me from who I am, who I really am beneath it all - my heart that belongs to you and my desire to glorify you, and my love for others, for life, and for your creation, my passion for writing and for changing the world, the good things about me - all comes from you. I know it does. Because you are my identity - you have called me your daughter and you have breathed your life into me so that I am no longer living for myself, but for you.

I know you love me, Papa. I know it because I've felt glimpses of your love, and even glimpses have left me in awe. And Lord, I want to serve you. Not only that, I want to journey through life with you, forever holding your hand, forever trusting your touch, forever following where you lead. I want to know you more. I want to grow and meditate and flourish by your word alone. I want to be consumed and transformed by your love. I know that is the only way to love a joyful life - live for you. Because you are the true source of joy. I love you so much, Father. You are the Lord of the universe and yet you laid down your life for me, so that I may know you in this world and live eternally with you in your kingdom. And that is my only desire - to be in love with you forever, to be with you forever, to be surrounded by your love forever.

God, this world is broken, and I am too. I am so weary and restless and alone - but most of all, I am in need of you. But it's those layers again. I'm not good enough. I've made too many mistakes. I don't deserve to be happy. I'll always be alone. I don't know who I am. Those thoughts, and many more, haunt me. They crash against me over and over and they leave me bruised and afraid. And it's so hard when I find myself in these moments, it's so hard to hear your voice, to see your light. To know that these layers of shame and worthlessness do not define me. All I want to do is cover my face and my ears and block out everything. All I want to do is disappear because I feel like every piece of me, every good thing about me, is gone, and I'll never be myself again.

I become lost for awhile, but you never leave me.

Somewhere in the distance, the sound of you knocking on the door of my heart is echoing. Somewhere your hand is reaching for my shoulder, waiting for me to turn and around and embrace you. And somewhere in the pit of my heart is a light. A light of hope and love and grace. A light that you put there so many years ago. A light that will never lose its flame, no matter how hard the wind blows, or the waves crash, or the darkness creeps in. It will still be there - a beacon for my weary soul, a source of warmth for my cold spirit, and the fuel that keeps my heart beating and my lungs breathing.

It is you, Father.

Your love makes me who I am, your love marks me as your daughter, your love saves me when I think I'm hopeless and alone. And soon, the layers melt away - because they were never there to stay. And I am reminded, beautifully and perfectly reminded, of who you are, and who I am in you. And soon the light spreads like a fire, and every fragment of my being is enveloped in its warmth. I'm not hiding anymore, I'm not ashamed, and most wonderful of all, I am not alone. You are with me, like you've been all alone. You are holding my hand and whispering the sweetest words in my ear, stroking my hair, and wiping away my tears.

God, you are my savior, not only because of your death on the cross, but for every moment of my life, every beat of my heart and breath of my lungs. Your love is the same now and forever - and it will never leave me. I love you. Oh Lord, I love you so. Thank you for giving me your light and for making me who I am. Thank you for making me new.

Amen.

Maybe I spoke too soon.

I've thrown away
so many things that could've been much more.
And I just pray
my problems go away if they're ignored,
but that's not the way it works,
no that's not the way it works.