Overwhelmed.

I feel that way a lot. And I'm finding out that when I feel that way, when I become overwhelmed with feelings of hopelessness, worry, impatience, jealousy, fear, it's because I let myself believe a tiny voice inside my head. The one that tells me that I'm not [insert adjective here] enough. The one that says I'll never accomplish what I hope for in life. The one that repeats things over and over, things like "stupid" or "ugly" or "alone" or "worthless." It's the voice that encourages me to give up, to give in, to stop fighting. And for some reason, this tiny, insignificant voice is the one that I find myself listening to more than anything else. I know that it's wrong, I know that it makes me feel awful and empty, but I keep doing it. I keep letting it get louder and louder. 

But the worst part about listening to that voice isn't the way it makes me feel. The worst part is that when this voice inside my head gets louder, it begins to drown out the voice of my Father.

Just writing those words fills my eyes with tears.

But there is hope, because the best part about all this is that I KNOW the way out. And it's through HIM. I know that the only way to lift myself up again is to reach out and grasp HIS hand, to turn my face toward HIS, and to listen to the most beautiful voice I can fathom, the voice of my SAVIOR speaking the words Kaitlyn, you are mine. And I love you.

There is nothing, NOTHING comparable to those words. And when I hear them, I am overwhelmed again. But this time, it's by His SPIRIT. His spirit that humbles me, comforts me, strengthens me, guides me, refreshes me, holds me. His spirit that opens my eyes to the beauty of creation. His spirit that calms my fears. His spirit that tells me I am understood, and I am not alone.

I was feeling overwhelmed today. I was thinking about how ardently I want to serve God with my life, but how often I find myself falling short. I felt so hopeless, so scared. But then I heard my Father's whisper. He said I see your desire. I see your heart. I see your willingness. Kaitlyn, I see you. And you are a beautiful, wonderful creation. I've written your story with my mighty hand. And with that same hand, I am holding your heart.

That my friends, is pure, complete joy.

Feels like I'm falling

At church today, I was slammed with a huge revelation. And I really mean slammed. It was like 50 alarm clocks went off in my head at one time and the heavens opened up with a bright light shining on my face and I finally just went "OHHH."

You see, I've been struggling lately. And I haven't even really been able to put my finger on what it is exactly that's got me so unsettled. Well, maybe I knew, but I didn't want to admit it. Because I am a very stubborn person.

But I'm working on changing. I'm working on letting go. I'm working on realizing that I can't figure my future out. I can't look at pictures in a magazine and say "that! that's what I want!" when it comes to who/what/where I will be. That's not how it works. And the bottom line is, I can't put my faith and trust and hope in the LORD until I admit that he knows better than I.

Good golly, does he know better.

When I think of how much of a wreck I am sometimes, how badly I mess up, how much I disappoint myself and others, it just makes me so incredibly thankful that I have a perfect savior that knows what's best for me. Because how can I do this on my own? How can I? I am very far from perfect. But hey, this isn't going to be a self-mutilating kind of blog post, because I also learned something else at church today.

We talked about holiness. We talked about moments in the Bible where God's holiness calmed storms and burned bushes and created everything around us out of nothing. And we talked about how God's holiness, through the death of Jesus on the cross, isn't just an out-dated bible thing. It's an everyday, all around the earth, consuming, living, breathing holiness that moves within us and through us. 

God's mighty love and amazing grace, makes my life a picture of holiness.

Seriously?? This is fantastic news. The big revelation I felt this morning was like a liberation, a freedom, a spark. Because I realized that on my own, I am so...broken. But through HIM, I am holy. Through HIM, I can do all things. And through HIM, I find my strength.

But best of all, through HIM, the story of my life will come together exactly the way it is meant to be. Which means this ongoing struggle I have with trusting God is really just a huge waste of time. How can I argue with holiness? It's a losing battle. How can I say I know better to the one who holds the universe in his hands? Ridiculous. It truly amazes me how God keeps trying to hammer the same thing into my noggin over and over, relentlessly. And how when I finally understand, he just shakes his head and smiles.

Holy, holy, holy is the Lord God Almighty.

Oh right! The post title. It's from a FANTASTIC Francesca Batistelli song:

I'm letting go 

Of the life I planned for me 

And my dreams.

I'm losing control

Of my destiny

It feels like I'm falling

And that's what it's like to believe

So I'm letting go

The importance of doing nothing.

Hey, it's September. That means fall is coming soon. Goodness gracious, I can't wait for fall. Leaves and apple cidar and football games and sweaters and perfect, sweet, crisp air. Perfection. I should be doing my homework now. Or taking a shower. Or doing something productive like constructing a 3-d moon out of flower stem wire. Ya know, something like that. But here I sit. You know something? I'm really a pro at doing nothing. Sometimes I just like to stare out the window. Sometimes I like to watch mindless television. Sometimes I like to lay in my bed and think. Sometimes I like to download music illegally. Or sometimes I like to blog about how I like to do nothing. For some people, this is a huge waste of time. Especially those busybusybusygottakeepmovingorI'llexplode people. But me? I NEED to waste time. In order to keep my sanity. Yeah, part of it is being lazy. But mostly, it's just slowing down for a second. Catching my breath and enjoying doing absolutely nothing. Taking in a deep breath and smiling to myself, not really sure why. Just cuz. It's nice. I call it being content. Knowing I could be doing something, but realizing that I'm happy just sittin. It's okay to do nothing from time to time. Just relax. Life can get so serious, so complicated, so annoying, so busy, so demanding. I say, find something that makes you happy and do it. Something for yourself. Don't schedule every second of your life. Leave some blank spaces and let your mind wander. Make shapes outta the clouds. Look for a four leaf clover. Roll down a hill. Watch Project Runway. Dance around in your underwear. Sing into your hairbrush. Watch stupid youtube videos. Be silly. Go for a walk and smile at strangers. Act like a kid again. WHATEVER. Just don't get so busy that you forget how to waste time. Because that would be a serious shame.

Hold on to your hats, folks.

DISCLAIMER: This is ridiculously long. I had a lot to say. If you read the whole thing, that would be just wonderful. But I mean, I respect those with short attention spans.

The Light

It's things like this that make me think the world is a horrible place.

That sin/evil/pain/disaster are forces so strong that they leave lives destroyed, hearts broken, faiths shattered, and hopes forgotten.

They leave people starving, homeless, empty, angry, hurt, bitter, hopeless, broken, afraid.

They put chains and scars and bruises and holes into our hearts.

They envelope the world in darkness.

Why does it have to be that way?

I know that the Light exists, but sometimes it's so hard to see.

So unbelievably hard.

I know that there is Love and Hope and Joy and Good in the world.

I believe that with all my heart.

But when all I see are storm clouds, it's hard to even imagine the sun.

It's hard to believe that there is warmth.

That our tears will dry.

That we are not alone.

That we are loved.

We find ourselves asking where is the good in the world?

Why can't I feel the love?

Why is darkness all I see?

Where is the light?

Where is the hope?

And then a tiny thought enters our minds.

Where is God?

If God stands for Love and Hope and Joy and Light, why isn't He standing for it now?

If He is all-powerful and mighty and strong, why does evil exist in the world?

Why does he allow these things to happen?

These questions haunt our minds.

But asking these questions doesn't fix the problem.

Asking these questions causes pain and heartache and fear and doubt.

Asking these questions makes God's Light dimmer.

Because God does not stand for Love and Hope and Joy and Good.

He is Love.

He is Hope.

He is Joy.

He is Light.

And God is not limited to the definitions that we give Him.

God is not a label that we can attach to "good" and a scapegoat we can blame for "evil."

God's power does not diminish when we denounce His power.

And despite our sin, our anger, our evil, our doubts, our hate, our anguish, our heartache, our fear, our worry, our stubbornness, our bitterness, our shame.

Despite our grasp on wordly things.

Despite our uncertainties about who God is.

Despite the moments when we turn our backs on God and run in the other direction.

He is still there.

He remains the same.

He is Love and Hope and Joy and Light.

And He is the antidote to the evil, the darkness, the pain, the sin.

Not the cause.

Not the blame.

And He has not abandoned the world.

He has not abandoned His Children.

He never will.

His Light has not been extinguished on this earth.

His Love is visible.

Always.

In a smile, a hug, a kiss, a friend, a mother.

In the kindness, generosity, patience, peace, honesty, creativity, brilliance, warmth that exists within each of our hearts.

In the beauty of the earth.

The complexities of nature.

The vastness of the universe.

In the way that He loves us unconditionally.

In the way that He calls us each by name.

In the way that He longs for us to know Him.

Sin/evil/pain/disaster may be strong forces that envelope the world in darkness.

But my God is stronger.

He is above all things.

He is in all things.

And through Him, all things come together.

In Him is life.

In Him is a light that shines in the darkness.

A light so bright that the darkness cannot hope to overcome it.

God, shine your light on me.

Show me your glory.

Let me feel your presence.

I trust you.

I love you.

You have my heart.

You have my life.

You will never desert me.

I shall forever be wrapped in your embrace.

Amen.

New directions.

^Yeah, that's the name of the club on glee.

As I watch my RENT poster dance in the breeze from the fan and I hear the ticking of Becca's annoying desk clock and I look at all the piles of junk that I have covering every surface of space, I feel...at home. And that's a pretty nice feeling.

I'm not the bravest/most out-going/most self-confident person in the world so the thought of transferring to a school with 6,000 people in the freshman class alone is not exactly what I would call easy. But I am embracing every moment of this new direction. Because no matter how unsure of myself I feel, I remind myself that I am braver, more out-going, and more self-confident than I have ever been in my whole life. And for that, I am thankful. And this experience is only going to push me further. I'm going to be friendly, I'm going to smile a lot, I'm going to be happy with who I am. Because this is the life I have been given, this is the place I've been sent, and these are the people who will be in my life.

Yeah I'm nervous. Obviously I'm intimidated. But I'm not going to let that stand in my way any more. This may be a new direction, but it's the same old me. And I'm learning to love myself remember? And as Jon Mclaughlin always told me, "the only way to love yourself, give your love to someone else."

I love you all :)

And best wishes for any new directions you may be facing.

This one's for baby Gaby.

My heart is broken for the Brown family who lost their little baby girl a couple days ago. They have an incredible, unforgettable, inspiring story (here's their blog), it's just that I thought it would end differently. 


It's stories like this that would make it so easy for us to be angry with God. To ask him why. To turn our backs on him because of the pain we're feeling. And it's stories like this that make me want to cry into my pillow for hours. It makes me wish that we could all just be in heaven now, so Jesus could dry our tears himself. But it wasn't our time yet, it was Gaby's time. And there is no logical way for me to wrap my head around that. There is no chance in this world that I can answer the why question. And I can't even begin to fathom the perfect complexity of God's plan.


This, folks, is where faith comes in.


Now faith is being sure of what we hope for, and certain of what we do not see.
Hebrews 11:1


When nothing in this life makes sense. When I feel the walls caving in around me. When I'm gasping for air and begging for help. That's when faith begins. That's when I have to accept that I can't know all the answers, but I can know the God who holds the universe in his hands. I can trust that his love for me is bigger than any sorrow I may face in this life. Honestly, it's hard, it's an ongoing struggle. But ultimately, it's all we have. 


In the amazing words of Shelley Brown, "For today we find comfort and joy in the thought that Gaby is dancing with Jesus."

Well, here we are.

Summer is practically over. I blogged one time. FAIL.

I don't even know why I haven't been keeping up with it. I guess because I didn't have much to say. I've pretty much been working every day. And...that's about it. And one post about Dairy Queen was QUITE enough.

The highlight of my summer was once again my mission trip to Costa Rica. It was truly fantastic. It was so much different from last year, not better or worse, just different. I got to meet a whole new group of Crossbridgers which was very cool. I got to zipline in the pouring down rain which was very cold. But the greatest part of the trip was being able to see God and experience his power. In the joy on the kids' faces, in the lessons we all learned from Pastor Gabriel, and in witnessing the Holy Spirit do some amazing, unexplainable things. I'm so glad, so blessed that I was able to be a part of that again.

I guess the difficult part about going on a missions trip is coming home. Because when you get back, it's like now what? How do I incorporate what I've seen, what I've done, how I've felt back into my daily routine? I'm still not sure about that one. The thing I struggled with the most on the trip was this recurring thought of why me? Why was I born in America? Why do I have money, clothes, a home, loving parents, oppurtunity, education? Why I am blessed in so many ways when there are countless others who aren't? Not only does it make me feel incredibly thankful, it just...unsettles me. And the only answer I have for the question of why me? is this: so that I can use what I've been given to help others in need. I have money so that I can give to those who need it. I have clothes to share with those who have none. I have food to feed those who are hungry. And I know God so that I can share his love to people who need it. I don't know how to do it. And I don't know where to start. But I trust that God will put me in the right place at the right time so that I can help those in need.

As for leaving for Purdue? Well I'm excited, anxious, worried, not sure what to expect. But I'm trusting God there too. It's been a weird summer. Truly, truly weird. Now I'm ready for what's next.