Good golly this is tough.

Running, running.

Left turn, right turn.

Horizon hazy. Fog rolling in.

I'm not lost. I know where I'm going.

But,

How do I get there?

Did I miss the sign?

How could I miss it?

Wasn't I on the right track?

Running, running.

Breathing fast, heart racing, head spinning.

I am confused, bewildered, nervous --

afraid.

Is that what this is?

Since when am I a coward?

No,

I have strength.

Strength to run

with a beating heart, wide-eyes, open hands.

Fear will not overcome me,

darkness will not surround me.

I'm not lost, I'm on my way.

Because this is a journey.

Running, running.

So ready.

I've been ready to go home since the day I got back from Thanksgiving Break. And these past two weeks have honestly been the longest of my life. I haven't been able to sleep for the past week because I keep thinking "I'm going to be in my own bed soon!" The top bunk of twin bunk beds is just incomparable when that's the only thing I can think of. Oh and there probably won't be any crazy drunk people outside my windows or across the hall at my house either. Well, Nicky can get pretty crazy sometimes.

Oh! That reminds me. My mom told me the cutest story about my brother the other day. She left the house to go somewhere and Nick thought that she had left to go pick me up from school. So when she got back home, he was waiting in the garage and when my mom got out of the car he said "well where is she?" because he thought my mom had already gotten me. He was excited to see me! Isn't that the cutest thing in the world?

Adam and I are going to go on a GLEE rampage over winter break. 13 episodes. I was trying to figure this out, and I think it's going to come down to a Mega-Marathon because (unfortunately) there just isn't enough time to do everything we want to do :( But, but, but we're still going to have an amazing time :)

I'm definitely excited for the multiple sleepovers I have planned with my lovely best friends. My own bed is #1 on the Where I Most Want To Be Sleeping list, but Sam's bed is a close second [creepy smile]. And of course, Becca and I will be having some deep conversations in her bedroom. Hopefully the trundle bed doesn't collapse on me again. Good times.

So today I have one more final and then Mom, Grandma Amy, and I are hittin the road! I even made two cds to listen to because my mother doesn't love me and forgot to bring my cd case.

I. AM. SO. READY. TO. GO. HOME.

Oooo! Cheesy credit card commercial moment:

13 episodes of glee, 3 sleepovers already planned, multiple trips to Target and Barnes & Noble, 2 Christmases with my awesome family, 5 days at the Christmas Conference, lots of lounging around time, seeing my 3 best friends, and jumping on the 1 boy I love...priceless? Okay that didn't work out so well. You get the idea.

Somewhere between fuming and crying.

Have you ever met someone that's so polite, so generous, so selfless that they kind of make you sick? Yeah, that's my boyfriend. He's considerate and thoughtful and just plain good. And the craziest part? He feels awkward when I tell him this because he can't take a darn compliment. But enough about him. I'm going to talk about me.

I was feeling crappy today. All I had to look forward to was the riveting world of American Nature Writing and an encounter with my blasted professor, Dinosaur Man. So this is what happens when I'm in a bad mood: I get moody and I take out my anger on the people I love. I hate this about myself, I really do. Because it really is the last thing I want to do. I just want to be happy, so I'm mean to the people who make me happy? That makes no sense whatsoever. It's a major problem. So today was a classic case of Kaitlyn Being A Jerk, and who do I decide to unleash my wrath on? That boy I was talking about at the beginning.

I was a mess. I tried to say what was feeling. I tried to calm down. And do you know what he said in the middle of my mental breakdown? "I love you." Do you know how frustrating that was? How can anyone love me when I'm yelling at them for no reason? That just made me even more mad, honestly. But somewhere between fuming and crying, I realized how completely blessed I am to have someone who loves me when I'm being ridiculous. I am astounded by his patience, and I am so, so thankful. We were talking on the phone, but it was like he was hugging me, just waiting for me to come to my senses. And that was exactly what I needed.

So long story short, he frustrates me to the max and I'm pretty sure I will never completely understand him, but he loves me. And for that, I love him more than I can say.

Reassurance.

Well, I'm a girl. I overthink things, I panic when something unexpected happens, I am constantly worried and anxious about everything. A couple weeks ago, I was trying to reassure Becca that things always work out how they're meant to, and I ended up reassuring myself too.

___________________________________________

I discovered recently that the details of our lives shouldn't be that important. What's important is the big picture, the ultimate goal. And, for me, that's all about God. Pleasing him, honoring him, loving others because of him. I was thinking that as long as we keep that in our minds and hearts, that God will fill in the rest of the gaps. He'll give us the friends to confide in, the colleges to attend, the missions trips to go on, the boyfriends to love, the jobs to have, the husbands to marry, the children to raise, the joy, the saddness, the experiences, the LIFE. He died so that we may have life and have it to the full, not to worry about everything and freak out all the time. The small things are not important, we have to remember that. Because it is so easy to become caught up in things, worthless things. True happiness is not a product of this world, true happiness comes from only God, from doing his will. He wants us to be happy, and he wants us to experience the life he has given us. And we do not have to worry because he'll provide for us everything we need, if we only let him take care of us. If we let him take control of the small things that cause so much stress and anxiety, just think of the relief. It's a perfect, wonderful feeling to give your problems and worries to the Father. Yet, it takes a tremendous amount of faith. But in the end, having faith in a perfect God is much, much easier than living for the small things.

The time is now, for lifting souls.

The time is now for letting go.

From your skin, to your core.

Let light and love come rushing through the door.

It's time to make a stand,

to put your heart in greater hands.

From your skin, to your core.

Let light and love come rushing through the door.

(Phil Wickham, The Time is Now)

40 minute phone call.

When you don't talk to someone that is truly important to you for a period of time, something happens to you. You start to feel an emptiness, a void, a hole that this person is supposed to fill. This hit me today. I was feeling bored, restless, and just plain lonely, and it hit me how much I miss Sam. And you know what? I'm truly ashamed that it took me two weeks to realize this. I needed to hear her voice, and I immediately started crying when I finally did. Gosh I hate that I've been such an awful friend. I know she's busy, and I know she doesn't always have time to talk on the phone for hours but still. Six years of friendship is worth the work to me, and if I have to annoy her endlessly to get 10 minutes on the phone with her, I'll do it. Definitely. It was so nice to talk to her about everyday things and also super important things. I love her so much, and I miss being able to see her. I miss Saturday night sleepovers and going to church like two hours early and painting our nails at Arby's and wandering around aimlessly in Target for hours and reading Seventeen and taking hundreds of pictures of ourselves and talking til 3 in the morning and laughing hysterically about the stupidest things. She gets me, she would never lie to me, she will always be there for me. And I am so, so thankful that she is in my life, and she always will be because these past two weeks of not talking to her have sucked major ballz, and I don't want to go through that again.

I love you Samantha Leigh Persyn :)

A new book.

I enjoy the simple things in life - caramel apples, chapstick, thunderstorms, daisies, soft socks, making random playlists on iTunes (like the Deep Thoughts one I totally just made), dancing like Miley Cyrus - but something that I am confident will never cease to give me the chills is a new book. Yes, I am aware of how completely nerdy that sounded. I don't care.

I've loved to read since I was 4 years old. Four you say? Yes, my mother taught me to read, and I attribute the bulk of my extremely high intelligence to that. (Thanks Mom!) My first chapter book was A Bridge to Terabithia (thanks for the help, Miss Keifer!) and since then I have fallen in love with reading. I went through a Trixie Belden phase, a Baby Sitters Club phase (remember that Becca?), a Gossip Girls phase, and a books-being-made-into-movies phase. And along the way, I've learned so, so much, even if they're just small things like the names of cities in foreign countries or the names of expensive stores on 5th avenue. That's one of the best things about reading: every book offers something new to discover.

A new book is like a drug. I'm being totally serious right now. I get euphoric when I curl up in my bed at night with a book I'm just dying to get into. I love that swept up feeling, the idea that a book can literally transport my mind to a place I've never been or to a place I've never thought of. It's astounding. It's this feeling that I can't even describe. It's just the new book feeling. And it makes me happy.

So today when I opened my new book I Capture the Castle, I did what I always do. I looked at the cover (which by the way is very important, don't let anyone tell you not to judge a book by its cover) because that's the first impression of the book, I get a sense of what the book is trying to tell me just by looking at it. Then I read everything that's not actually part of the book - reviews, acknowledgments, summaries, etc. It's this idea of sort of getting to know the book before I actually proceed with reading it. Because, if you think about it, every new book is like a new person to meet. And that's what we do when we meet new people, we gauge them from all angles. Reading an entire book is a big commitment, you know. I don't want to devote hours to something that isn't going to be influential at all. So that's what I do. I get to know the book before engaging in any sort of deeper relationship. Which makes perfect sense.

And there's more. Sometimes I peek at the last page just to see the interesting things I have to look forward to. I'll admit that's cheating. There's no denying that. But I'm human right? And like I said, if I'm going to devote hours to something, I want to know it'll keep my attention up until that last sentence. The last sentence and the first sentence, those are the important ones. The first pulls you in and introduces you to the characters and scenery and conflicts while the last leaves an impression on you, leaves you with something permanent, poignant.

But the fact is, some books just don't say much at all. They may be entertaining or funny, but you'll forget them. It's the books that make your heart drop or that make you cry or that compel you to read them over and over that stay with you forever. Books like that are more than hundreds of pages bound together by a flashy cover. They aren't just objects anymore, they say something. Books like that change us, they give us a new perspective, something to carry with us as we continue our lives. It is truly a fantastic feeling to have a book touch your life in such a way that you feel as though it never ends. The scenes replay in your mind, and the lines reverberate in your ears. The words stay with you, because once you are touched by a new book, it truly becomes a part of you.

I just don't understand those people who say they hate reading. And I think that everyone can appreciate what reading has to offer, if only they find that one new book that has the ability to open their minds. And if reading a book is like meeting a new person, it's sort of sad to think about how many amazing, inspiring people we are missing by not reading. Just as each person has a story that deserves to be heard, each book has a message that deserves to be read. It's just a matter of getting to know them.

(PS: Gracias to Lindsey Ann Gemmer for providing me with the lovely insight of comparing books to people! You go girl.)

I love a piano.

On Friday I was reminded of how much I love pianos. More specifically, I love watching people play the piano. It is truly a work of art how their fingers flutter from key to key. That relationship between fingers and keys is so intimate, so honest. Listening to someone play the piano is truly like listening to them tell you a secret. I get so caught up in the sound, the power. Feelings of sadness or thoughtfulness or adoration or peace transport me, and I forget where I am.

When I was little, I would spend hours trying to teach myself songs. My only success was The Star Spangled Banner, but it was still fun to try. It was like a puzzle, trying to put the right keys together. And I would get so excited when I found the perfect combination.

I wish I could still play piano. I really wish I could read music. But, alas, I gave up piano lessons long ago because my teacher was annoying, and I hated practicing. Que lastima. Maybe I'll pick it up again someday, but until then, I'm fine with listening :)

Oh the weather outside is weather.

I love today.

I'm pretty sure I looked like an idiot while I was walking back from class because I was smiling and bouncing. Forrealsies. It's so warm out! And it's so windy! And it's kinda rainy, which normally would be dreary. But today it was like a day in March when it's been snowy and gross for like 4 months and you're like "oh my gosh I HATE WINTER" and then you go outside and the snow is melty and it's warm out and it finally feels like spring. That's what today felt like. Which is kinda weird considering it's October...but I'm not complaining. I really wish my dorm room had a balcony because I would totally sit out there and sip coffee and write poetry or something.

You know why else I love today?

Because it has been 76 days since I've seen my best friend, Rebecca Christine Freed. Gosh I knew it was going to be hard to be separated from her for so long, but it turns out it has left a big dent in my heart. That sounds so cheesy. But I'm dead serious. We've known each other since we were in diapers and we've been through EVERYTHING together. This idea of being on my own and starting a new chapter of my life is so difficult without her being here. She's always been the one to be honest to me, to tell me I'm being stupid, and to truly listen to what I want to say. It's easy to feel sad when I think about all our memories together. But it makes me so happy to think about how strong our friendship still is even though we're miles apart. And I am overcome with joy to think about how she's doing amazing things and she's growing up and she's changing for the better. I'm so proud of her :) and I'm so glad I get to be here to encourage her and pray for her and laugh with her :) :) Oh and today? Today I get to SEE her :) :) :)

yep, I love today.

Grocery Store Withdrawal

I miss going to the grocery store. How weird is that? That's weird. Because I really hate the grocery store. Everytime I go there, I'm with my mom and she has to buy something from every aisle. Even the pets' aisles (we don't have a pet). I'm pretty sure that throughout my life I have spent a combined 45 days at the grocery store. But you know what they say, you never know what ya got til it's gone. And there is no Meijer in Lake Forest. There are no amish people to secretly mock, there are no clearance racks to peruse, and gosh dangit I haven't had a free sample in like three months. Grocery Store Withdrawal has become a serious problem for me.

There are other little things that I miss about my good old hometown. I have had to resort to illegally downloading music because I can no longer steal music from the library. And the Lake Forest city library won't let me renew online! Ridiculous! And there is a book that I really want to read, but I can't check it out because I will inevitably receive large amounts of late fees.

Nobody here says putt-putt. It's mini-golf. Not that I'm a big fan of putt-putting. I hate it actually. But it still makes me sad.

Another thing, I miss fast food. The closet thing I've had to fast food here is orange chicken at Panda Express. Which is amazing, but I'm craving more grease. I've been eating salads like every day. What the heck is that? I miss Burger King french fries and Taco Bell burritos and McDonald's chicken nuggets. I blame my parents because we had fast food about three times a week my entire life.

And, of course, I miss my house. I miss my own room with my bedside table where I can keep my books and pens and alarm clock right next to me. I miss being able to listen to my iPod while I'm in the shower. I miss having privacy while I'm in the shower (well I guess I never really had that). And I miss being able to dance around in my room without the possibility of tripping over desks, tables, clothes, bookbags, etc.

I really do love living in a dorm room, but honestly I miss my blue house with the cubs flag and green pool in Fort Wayne, Indiana. Independence is great, but it comes at cost. And it turns out that the cost of all those little things - amish people, free samples, putt-putt, greasy food, and my loud, messy house - is bigger than I thought it would be.

Fearsome Foursome Memories Extravaganza!

Well a certain someone won't leave me alone about this blasted list. So without furthur ado here we go...

-Ashley's fashion show in the dark at Camp Endurance.

-Lisa flying to the front of the van at Dare 2 Share.

-"Ya ta ta ta!"

-Ashley screaming when the siren went off in Tennessee.

-Getting drunk off of water. And fake strawberry daqueris.

-Sam seeing Butterscotch on the toilet.

-"Would the owner of the white camarro please move your car?"

-Taking pictures at the photobooth at the Rave.

-My dolphin pillow, Tasey, Ashley's bunny, and Joshie Bear.

-"Bidi bidi bah! I like how I wasn't in that picture!"

-Arguing about how I actually said that^

-Laughing hysterically at Patrick playing with those little Arby's toys.

-Magazine Face.

-"Yo my name is bunny, people say I'm funny I'd like to call you funny...dang it!"

-Singing Kokomo about 52342343 times at Becca's birthday party.

-Sleepovers out on Becca's porch.

-My marriage and divorce to Jon.

-Ashley's birthday scavenger hunt at the mall.

-"Why don't you look it up in the dic...tionary?"

-Playing UNO on the lake trip.

-"Can you get a tan from a campfire?"

-The Power Rangers, the Tizzle Dizzles, and the Panthers.

-Going out on the pond at Sam's house.

-Seeing Wicked.

-"Shut up you Ukranian butthole!"

-The Brainquest Game Show.

-Sam tripping while playing MatBall

-Jumping out the window at that winter camp.

-Plucking each other's eyebrows.

-Posing with Elvis.

-"Don't they have that in all 52 states?"

-Getting attacked by water guns while playing DDR at Camp Endurance.

-Posing as Destiny's Child girls at Ashley's birthday party.

-"I'm Nigel, I'm Nigel, I'm Nigel, I'M NIGEL!!"

-Watching the Notebook, and crying during the conversation afterwards.

-Pretending it was Sam's birthday at Casa's and not getting a cake.

-The silly string in Bad Patrick's face incident.

-Making fun of Todd saying "I suggest..."

-Youth Group, Dear Readers.

-The Mystery Fart that NOBODY will own up to.

-American Girl Dolls.

-Curling each other's hair for church.

-"Shut the mustard."..."That's what she said!"

-Me and Ashley's Curlers Incident.

-Every single one of us had a crush on Travis Block.

-Seeing Jon McLaughlin (twice for some of us).

-Making videos in the bathroom at the Y.

-"It's simply rat droppings in the back corner."

-Angela's Lizard on the Ceiling Incident.

-Angela's Falling in the Hallway Incident.

-"Tim, shut up."

-Almost dying multiple times when Patrick would turn around and talk to us on road trips.

-525,600 minutes Seasons of Love.

-Arguing about who actually said that^

-"Swings!"

-Making fun of Becca's SPF 50.

-Scaring the crap out of Mandy Rowland when we bombardered her at our first meeting.

-Becca's baptism.

Goodness gracious! That's not even half. That's not even close to half. The Fearsome Foursome has been through it ALL. You guys are more than my best friends. You mean the world to me. And I wouldn't trade a thing for all that we've shared together. We're going to continue to do great things, and no matter what happens, always know that I love each of you for being exactly who you are. I'm here for you, always. I thank God every day for putting you in my life.

Yep, I'm crying. Tears of joy baby :)

Something struck me today.

Something struck me today. People are always saying "I live life with no regrets" and this is so strange to me. Is that even possible? There are times when I regret something the second I say it. Or I look back on a specific moment and wish I could do the total opposite of what I did. I struggle with regret because I struggle with second chances. I want something and if I don't get it, I tend to give up. When I try so hard to achieve something only to have it thrown back in my face, I lose that drive that allowed me to get there in the first place. How is it even possible for me to start over when I lost? That's what gets me. That loser mentality. Losers lose because they did something wrong. Losers lose because they let something beat them. And the regret I feel after losing feels too unbearable to try again.

I think that regret, at least for me, is a transitional feeling. When I'm looking back on a situation and realizing that it could have played out in so many different ways, I panic. I beat myself up for not seeing something obvious or saying too much or even wanting something in the first place. This panicking stage is all about regret. I can't let go of that regret until I realize that all this happened for a reason. It is only then that I can calm down and start over. It is at that point that I have no regrets. Holy frick on a stick, I can't wait to get to that point.

Why am I continually amazed by God?

Why am I continually amazed by God? I mean he's GOD. He's all-powerful and perfect and full of more love than we can ever imagine. I know all this. And yet I find myself surprised when God lifts me up and renews my strength. Like it's a rare occurrence. No, trust me it's not. I have days where I feel completely hopeless. Like I can't do anything right or that nothing good is going to come my way. But then I talk to God. And it's truly astounding how I begin to change. A passage of the Bible will speak directly to my heart. Telling God my worries and anxieties transfers them to him, and he gives me peace. Listening to a worship song or even just seeing a smile on someone's face pulls me out from the darkness that seems to surround me.

God's light is visible. Always. This will never cease to amaze me.

Here it is folks!

I know you have all been thinking the same thing: "I love quoting movies and television, and I love making people confused. How can I combine the two into something fantastic?"

Well, here it is folks!

Kaitlyn Beer's Top Ten Movie/Television Quotes That Can Be Inserted Randomly Into Everyday Conversation:

10. "He's fixing a divot!" from Space Jam

-Okay so this one pretty much can only answer the question "what's that guy doing?" but it's great to have in your back pocket if that special moment should ever arise. Also it must be yelled.

9. "That's right, lots of people!" from Bring it On

-Whenever anyone is talking about a large crowd of people, this is definitely a good one to use. Make sure you say it in a bratty, whiny, cheerleader-y voice.

8. "Dang it Trudy! What about the pineapple?" from How I Met Your Mother

-Now I understand that you probably don't know anyone named Trudy, and conversations about pineapples just aren't that common. But still this delightful phrase is perfect for such occasions as: when someone won't tell you something, when you are repeatedly asking the same question with no answer, or when you ask a question to someone and he keeps avoiding answering. Yes I am aware that all of those situations are basically the same thing.

7. "This corn is like an angel." from Dan in Real Life

-Basically this one can be used whenever anyone says anything about angels. It's a crowd pleaser.

6. "She doesn't even go here!" from Mean Girls

-As probably the funniest line from the movie, this line is great on its own. However the highest comedic achievement is attenable when an individual speaks out on a matter in which he/she is not involved. Also, it should be said in a high-pitched, fake-girly voice. Kind of like a gay guy pretending to be a girl.

5. "I can't bring people back from the dead, it's not a pretty picture, I don't like doing it!" from Aladdin

-There is no situation that I can think of that would require this response. Unless you're actually talking about bringing people back from the dead. So just use this one at your own risk.

4. "Why don't you just tell me the name of the movie you've selected!" from Seinfeld

-This one would be good if used when someone won't tell you something etc. (see #8). This line should also be accompanied with a sort of upward shaking of the head.

3. "This class is ridiculous." from Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban

-There are a couple of essential elements that must accompany this line. First of all, it must be said in a thick British accent. Second, it must be followed by a creepy eyebrow raise. This one pretty obviously can be used whenever anyone says anything is ridiculous. The random accent is sure to turn heads whenever you use this bad boy.

2. "Well then tell them I had a seizure." from 10 Things I Hate About You

-Because this movie is utterly fantastic, any line can be used randomly in conversation. This specific line, though difficult to insert into daily conversation, is a comedic gold mine.

1. "Oy with the poodles already!" from Gilmore Girls

-This one is number one because, honestly people, it's a classic. It can be said out of frustration, in the presence of poodles, when someone says "oy", or basically anytime, anywhere. It's a wonderful catch phrase that combines two of the funniest words known to man. Thank you Lorelai Gilmore. You are my hero.

Well, folks, hope you enjoyed the list. And I hope it helps make your daily conversations more randomly interesting and slightly awkward. Don't be afraid of weird looks! Embrace them! Good luck :)

Musicals.

Musicals.

Just looking at that word makes me happy. I am not exaggerating. The day Mrs. Bowlin showed the Phantom of the Opera in 7th grade choir was the day I found my life obsession. Also not an exaggeration. I get the chills while listening to Defying Gravity every single time. Maybe This Time from Caberet gives me the sudden urge to sing on top of a bar and dump a cocktail on some guy's head. When I watch the La Vie Boheme scene from Rent, I feel like I'm a part of something bigger than myself, like I'm taking a stand against society too. I'd give anything to be serenaded by Ewan McGregor like Nicole Kidman in Moulin Rouge!. And of course I'd pee my pants/pass out/scream if I ever met Kristin Chenoweth.

It's hard to put my finger on exactly what about musicals excites me so much. I admire the astronomical work that is put into each and every show. I am in awe of the ability of the actors to invoke such powerful emotion. And I love the escape that they provide, that feeling of being completely transported to Buenos Aires or Paris or Oz or New York City. Yes, they are entertaining, but it is so much more than that. Musicals can be broken down into an explicit formula - the overture, the introduction, the conflict, the humor, the climax, the love scene, the conflict again, the resolve, the happy ending - yet it doesn't translate to predictability. Again and again I feel the character's pain, I rejoice when they finally get what they want, and I am surprised at how everything comes together in the end. Maybe I'm sappy or just plain lame, but musicals never get old. Each scene holds something to be cherished, each character offers a degree of insight, and each song has the ability to stir something within me.

I love musicals because they are perfect adaptations of reality. This may sound weird considering in reality people don't sing in the streets or dance with inanimate objects or solve all their problems as the curtain falls. But the fact is, life can be like that. And if we search hard enough, life can offer us as much fulfillment as the opening notes of the dramatic overture, the pivotal love scene, or the final bow.

Yes, they can be cheesy. And no, not everyone shares my views on the essence of their masterpiece. But there is no denying that musicals are at least interesting. I mean seriously how fantastic would it be if we could each pour our hearts out to each other using the perfect combination of words and melody while standing under a spotlight in front of hundreds of adoring fans? I would say pretty darn fantastic.

Well I guess I'll explain my blog title.

Well I guess I'll explain my blog title.

I don't know where exactly I heard of Michael Buble, and this may sound really super cheesy, but he has changed my life. Seriously. The man is a genius. Yes, I know he mostly does remakes of classic songs, but he does them so well. He's honest and passionate and...perfect. So that is why I named my blog after him. More specifically after my favorite song by him, Everything (which is a Buble original I might add).

And, of course, there's a reason that song is my favorite.

"You're a falling star, you're the getaway car, you're the line in the sand when I go too far. You're the swimming pool on an August day, and you're the perfect thing to say.

And I can't believe that I'm your man and I get to kiss you, baby, just because I can. Whatever comes our way, oh we'll see it through, cuz you know that's what our love can do.

And in this crazy life, and through these crazy times, it's you, it's you. You make me sing. You're every line, you're every word, you're everything."

It's probably pretty obvious why that song is my favorite. Because I want someone to say that to me. I want to be someone's everything. I want to make someone sing. I want a man that gets to kiss me just because he can. And you know what? I don't think that's too much to ask. I don't think that's selfish of me. And I think I deserve it.

Now I just have to practice something that I am HORRIBLE at: patience. I just have to remember that God has him picked out already and he's out there somewhere.

And to quote the spectacular Michael Buble again "I promise you, kid, I'll give so much more than I get. I just haven't met you yet."

Oh! I remember where I first heard of Michael (we're on a first name basis). It was in Laura Buncich's van. And it was Everything too! I am eternally grateful, Laura :)

You know what makes me angry?

You know what makes me angry? The fact that someone felt the need to remind me that I have wonderful friends. I don’t need reminded! I know that they’re amazing. This one goes out to those amazing people. You know who you are :) ____________________________________________________

Never Alone

I am in a fog.

I am walking, detached, staring only at my feet.

I want so much to remove the clouds from my view.
I want to see things again.

The mist brings numb waves that crash against me. I stand there and take them. There is nothing I can do.

There is no relief, no solace from the never-ending cycle.

There comes a point when I can take no more. The waves have broken me. I have lost my sense of being.

Now I am reaching, grasping, praying for an escape. When it seems hopeless, when I am ready to give in, something happens.

I remember something.

I remember that I am not alone.

Finally, relief. Suddenly, a hand.

I am embraced by love. By those who know me, those who can see through the mist and waves and reassure me that they will not destroy me.

Their words calm me, their smiles change me.

The fog still surrounds me, and the waves continue to crash, but I have been renewed.

Because of the fire that has been relit within me, the fog doesn’t seem as thick, the waves as threatening.

I have been rescued. I am so thankful.

I am truly blessed.

I thought I hated running.

I thought I hated running. I remember that feeling before a race. That mixture of wanting to throw up and wanting there to be some freak natural disaster like an earthquake or tsunami so I didn’t have to run. And then that stupid gun. It shot off and my heart stopped. Gosh why did I do that? I never wanted to run in those races. I didn’t want to reach the horrible point at which I could pass out and, oh yeah, still have to run another half mile with some stupid girl like a half a step behind me waiting for the opportunity to pass me. And I haven’t even mentioned the crowd. Seriously? Somebody yelling “come on don’t let that girl pass you!” gives me no motivation whatsoever to run faster. Even the people who don’t yell anything are just as bad because they’re watching. It’s awkward when people are watching you, it’s disastrous when they’re seeing that disgusting running face that is pained, sweaty, and grotesque. Who would want complete strangers seeing that? Not me. The only relief from running cross country was the end of the race. And that is honestly is not a good enough reason to torture myself.

So for three years I did torture myself, and I was always jealous and perplexed by those people who loved running, who excelled at it, who looked like they could keep running forever and actually be happy about it. I’ve always thought those people were crazy.

But then one day (I know the exact date actually. It was September 12, 2009) I got the urge to run, I became one of those crazy people. There was a specific reason why, which for now will remain a mystery [creepy smile], but I will say that for the first time running put a smile on my face. I didn’t think that was possible.

After that I started running around the neighborhood that surrounds LFC. I never really know exactly where I’m going or how far I’m running. But I think that’s the beauty of it. When I don’t have a specific route laid out and I don’t have a watch telling me how fast my miles are, running is actually liberating. This is so contradictory to everything I’ve ever known about running. Before it was like running was controlling me and I was always fighting with it. But now it’s like me and running are working together. While I’m running, there’s nothing to distract me from my thoughts. It’s just me and the pavement. Running clears my head and gives me the chance to reflect, to plan, to pray. Me and running are good pals now, and I kind of feel bad for hating it so much before.