Stuff.

Good grief. Once again it's like one in the morning. What. Is. Wrong. With. Me.

Whatevs. Inspiration strikes at strange times. You know, I don't really have much to say. Just felt like bloggin. Ya know, givin a shout out to my peeps and what not. So consider this an update. Hold on a sec, let me adjust my position cuz both my butt and foot have fallen asleep.

Let us begin.

I got back from Florida on Monday! And besides Christmas morning and praising God for his greatest gift, the best part of the trip was [drumroll please] The Wizarding World of Harry Potter. One of my new favorite places on earth. And I've got a tshirt, a butterbeer mug, and four pairs of socks (each one featuring a different Hogwarts house) to remind me of the wonderful experience. I won't give too much away about the actually Harry Potter ride in case you get the chance to go someday, but let me tell you, there's some dementers up in there, and I was forced to scream like a little girl and cover my eyes. Awesome.

I'm feelin kinda disappointed because I wasn't able to go to IndyCC or Passion this year, though I REALLY wanted to go to both. Maybe I'll just blast some worship music really loud in my room and then go read my Bible on the roof or somethin.

WHAT THE DICKENS?? I just found out that Gungor is gonna be at Passion! I love them! Frick frick frickity frick [pouty face]

I saw Tangled on Monday. It was so darn good! Mandy Moore was the perfect voice. And seriously the part with all the paper lanterns gave me chills. ALSO Voyage of the Dawn Treader is fantastic. Made me cry both times I saw it. Gosh, the ending with Aslan is just beautiful. I love C.S. Lewis. And Edmund. He's a cutie.

I'm planning on becoming a knitting fool. I got some looms for Christmas, and I already made a scarf! It's blue and soft. And looking for an owner. So... if anyone needs a soft blue scarf... Frank is totally here for you. Actually I think I want to put some fringe on him first. Hold that thought. I've been feeling very do-it-yourself-y lately. Something about things you make yourself is so much better than things you buy. I'm starting to live by the new philosophy that if I can make it, I don't need to buy it. It's fun.

Yesterday I stayed in my jam jams all day. True story. And making Frank was the only thing I did. Besides watching My Fair Wedding. And eating. I'm calling it a mental health day.

Okay, this post is getting into TMI territory. And patheticness territory. Let's wrap her up with a poem!

A deep breath and a smile.
Because fears are turning into possibilities,
worry is becoming joy,
and the face that once held tears is now dry.
Valleys and mountains are both beautiful
when you are there with me.
So whether I'm low or high,
hold my hand,
and I know the sun will shine.

Hope your Christmas was warm and cozy! But it probably wasn't as warm as mine cuz mine was in Florida!

Late night...somethings.

I don't want to say this is a "revelation." I don't want to say anything life altering / earth shattering.
Even though, that's honestly how I feel right now.
But I mean, with my emotions these days...who the flip honestly knows.
And I'm getting frustrated with myself for the hyporcrisy of what I say in my blog and how I act.
So, let's get honest here folks. I'm not perfect. I never will be. I'm trying really hard to do my best, but I fail.

This blog post is about how distancing myself from God always results in failure.

Today was not good. To say the least. Very low point for me. BUT with the help of some narcotics and some amazing people and this show called Sing Off, I was finally able to feel like a happy, normal individual. And then, this evening, at approximately 11:49, I was finally able to pray a prayer I've been needing for about five days now. For some reason, I was running. I was hiding. I was ignoring the pangs in my heart to come before Papa and let go of all the things I've been holding onto so tightly. And it's weird because five days doesn't seem like that long, but five days of trying to deal with everything on my own? It seemed like five years away from God. And honestly, the thing is, I wasn't away from him for five days straight. I read my bible a few times. I wrote out some prayers. I had a nice drive with him from Logansport to Indy. But it wasn't enough. I was turning God on and off like a light switch. He wasn't holding my heart, I was ripping it back from him when I wanted to, when I felt like I could handle things again. I wasn't letting him walk beside my every step. And it was not a pretty picture.

So, long, complicated story short: I need my Father. In every moment. Of every day. In every situation. In every high and low. In every twist and turn. Running away from him results in me feeling completely alone and totally helpless. But the truth is, even when I feel that way, he's always within reach. And when I finally grab his hand, the joy and peace and grace and pure love I feel is instantaneous. It's astounding. He. Is. So. Good.

I'm going to work on living that out. Giving him my every moment. And seeing what happens, what amazing things he can do.

Bring it home, Philly.

Late night metaphors.

I just crawled into bed and got a super creepy feeling. Like someone was hiding in my closet or something. And guess what I did. I made like a four year old and threw the covers over my head. And I felt better. This is perplexing to me.

Why do we feel safer under the covers?

It makes no sense, really. It doesn't make the scary stuff go away. It doesn't offer any protection. It's a blanket. But it feels safe. Maybe because it's a quick fix. Like a band-aid or duct tape. Temporary.

Listen up, four year old kids (and everybody else). The thing to do is throw off the covers and say "Hey scary thing in the closet, I'm not gonna hide from you. That would be dumb. Because seriously, I know I can take you." That'll show em.

Think about it. Nighty night!

I smell my house.

Well, here I am back home. At my house. In my living room. On my couch. Looking at a giant wardrobe thing in the corner, wondering where the heck it came from. And marveling at how different the hallway looks since Mom took the corkboard off the walls. It's pretty late to be writing a blog post, but inspiration struck me, so duty calls. I just got home from seeing Paranormal Activity 2. Holy. Cow. It was intense. But that's not really what this post is about...

I smell my house. You know how when you live somewhere, you don't really know what it smells like because you're there all the time? That's always how it's been with my house. I never really notice that it has a smell. Unless I've been gone for awhile and then I come back. And I don't know why, but smelling my house always makes me really happy. Because it's rare when it happens, and it's always a surprise. I haven't smelled this smell in years, because I've been so used to it. When we would go on a vacation for a week, I would test it out and see if I could smell my house, but usually even then, it didn't smell like anything. Only if I was gone for a really long time was I able to smell it. And then it would only last for a little while, until I got used to it again.

It's a familar smell, but it's more than that. It's like a feeling. When I smell my house smell, I am reminded that no matter how far away I've gone, this is where I belong. This is the smell that becomes so familiar to me that I forget that I'm smelling it at all. And soon enough, it'll fade and I'll forget the smell again.

But until then, I'm cool with sitting here breathing like a maniac, trying to savor the smell as long as I can.
Gosh, I'm a freak. A freak who is happy to be home.

[I had a lot to say today]

I realized something today. I'm a planner. I like to plan things. I like things to go my way. And I like to work from my schedule (disclaimer: this is not to be confused with being punctual.) I'm also a dreamer. I imagine so many different scenarios for how my life is going to pan out. And I get excited, no I get giddy, thinking about the world that's out there for me to see and the people out there for me to meet. I have plans, dreams, goals, aspirations. And I've always had them. Sometimes they change, sometimes they take a different course, but they are always present in my mind and in my heart.

But lately, I'm starting to wrestle with this part of who I am. Because I'm starting to notice that these plans I've made for myself and these dreams that I hold onto so tightly aren't as freeing as I thought they were.

I have to ask myself something. Are my plans and dreams hindering my walk with the Lord?

I think one of the most amazing things about God is his unpredictability. He shows up in the strangest places. He speaks to us when we least expect it. And he has plans and dreams for us. He's had them since before we were born. I've been reading Crazy Love by Francis Chan, and it's a flippin gold mine. It's packed FULL of all kinds of things I've never thought about before. Like this thought: God knew you and me before we existed. That's beautiful. And it's mind-blowing.

"Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you,
and before you were born I consecrated you;
I appointed you a prophet to the nations."
Jeremiah 1:5

God's talking to Jeremiah here, but he's also speaking to each of our hearts (side note: I just want to point out how amazing it is that something written thousands of years ago feels like it was written just for me, just for what I'm struggling with here and now. God is good.) And he's talking about an intense kind of knowing. I was his before I even existed! I can't even wrap my mind around that.

And the thing is, my response to that intense kind of knowing is a lot like Jeremiah's.

Then I said,
"Ah Lord God! Behold, I do not know how to speak, 
for I am only a youth." 
Jeremiah 1:6

It's daunting. How big God is. The guy who created the heavens and the earth. The galaxies, the stars, the sun. The guy who holds it all together. Yeah, he knows you like the back of his hand, because well, he created you with his own hands. Crazy. And it gets crazier.

But the LORD said to me,
"Do not say, 'I am only a youth';
for to all to whom I send you, you shall go,
and whatever I command you, you shall speak.
Do not be afraid of them,
for I am with you to deliver you."
Jeremiah 1:7-8

God tells Jeremiah not to be afraid. Because He is with him. And I kind of picture Jeremiah going, that's it? You want me to lead all these nations and be a prophet for you, and that's the best advice you can give me? And I can relate. I throw my hands up and say "God I have no idea what you want me to do." A lot. But I've been thinking about it, and really "Do not be afraid for I am with you" are some of the most powerful, beautiful, perfect words I've ever been told.

Not only did the LORD of the universe create me and not only does he know everything about me, He is with me. In everything I do. In all of my plans, in all of my dreams. And that changes things. Because when I allow his spirit to dwell in my heart, when I trust that he knows me and loves me and is taking care of me, and when I align the dreams and plans I've made for myself with the dreams and plans he's made for me, I become a part of something so much bigger and better and beautiful than myself.

My plans and my dreams disappoint me. They let me down. Because more often than not, they don't work out, they don't come true. And it's frustrating to live from plan to plan and dream to dream. Where am I putting my trust when I do that? In myself? How can I do that when apart from my Father, I know I am nothing?

My mom said something to me a few months ago. I was upset. Things weren't working out how I wanted them to and I was tired. Tired of planning and dreaming only to be disappointed. I told my mom I felt like my life was a big mess. And this is what she said "God has already written your book. He could show it to you right now, and you would probably say 'God what are you doing? Why in the world does my story go like this?' But the point is, he wrote it. And he knows what he's doing. He just wants you to trust him." I had so much love for my mom in that moment. And I knew she was totally right.

God is planning and dreaming for me, with me, and in spite of me. He loves me. And he is calling me to let go of things that are hindering me. He is calling me to let him hold my heart.

Good grief! I had a lot to say today.
Thanks for reading, you dedicated blog follower you.

Phil, you're my hero.

I have moments all the time where I think, hey, this moment calls for a song.
And I swear, 7 times outta 10, it's a Phil Wickham song.


He's different, somehow. I don't know what it is. Everything about him -- his voice, his lyrics, his melodies, his style -- it's so honest. It's just like, wow. This guy is for real. His music is pure poetry straight from his heart. There's no cheesiness, no drama, nothing's forced, it's just...him telling Papa that he loves him. It's beautiful.

One day, I'm going to climb a mountain and sing "I will always love you" to my Father. That's a life goal right there.

Finding it.

I know what I need.
After all this time,
the answer is staring me in the face.
I've tried to overlook it.
Tried to ignore it.
Tried to lower my expectations.
But now I know what I need will never change.
I'm glad that it won't.
Because that means,
when I find what I need,
I'll know it,
and I'll grab hold of it,
and never let go.
And it will do the same for me.

Kaitlyn Beer and the case of the multiple identities.

I love going to Campus House here at Purdue because every time I'm there:

1. I feel God's presence. He's all around the room. And he's especially stirring in my heart. It's beautiful. And it usually involves me crying and consequently wiping my nose on my sweater sleeves. So ya know, that's definitely beautiful.

2. I learn a new song. And I recently just discovered the Campus House blog! And they list all the songs they sing on there! SCORE.

3. Communion. I never really appreciated taking communion before. Crossbridge doesn't do communion every week, which is totally fine I think. Because sometimes when you do something repeatedly, it can lose its meaning. But for me, it's been kind of the opposite. It's been amazingly powerful every single time. And I've found that it's a moment of true worship and praise, honor, glory, and thanks. It's a moment where I can hit the pause button on whatever trivial thing I'm dealing with and say "God, I am in awe of what you have done for me." I look forward to that moment every week.

4. The teaching makes me...hmm what's a good word...ponder. That's what it does. Hardcore. It seems like every week, the pastor is speaking directly to what's on my heart. Sometimes it's something that I didn't even know was on my heart. But then WHAM. He says something that catches my breath. Like, literally. And I'm thinking does this guy know me? Creepy stuff. But not really, it's mostly just awesome. So, so awesome.

For example.

A couple Sundays ago, we were talking about seeing through the lens of God's grace. Specifically, seeing ourselves through that lens. The verse was Romans 12:3. And the message was clear: Hey, it's not about me so self, get off yo high horse. But also, hey, God made me, why am I bashin his creation? The second part is what really got to me. And then the pastor brought out a projector and talked about how often we try to make ourselves loved, make ourselves worthy, make ourselves better, we project who we are, instead of living out our true identities.

Holy cow, did that get to me.

I do that SO MUCH. Non-stop. And okay, on the one hand, I guess it's good to want to be a better person. But on the other hand, that kind of thinking gets me into lots of trouble. Because I never measure up to the perfection I keep striving for. It's like all I feel is pressure to be act a certain way, to say the right things, to be a different kind of person. And it's so completely exhausting. I got so bogged down when I think of who I'm supposed to be, but what the heck does that even mean? It's like I have multiple identities. Shy Kaitlyn, goofy Kaitlyn, angry Kaitlyn, fun Kaitlyn, smart Kaitlyn, the list goes on. Seriously?? I don't want to be a list!

I want to be the child of God that I know I am.

And the thing is I've been so busy projecting and trying and striving and failing that I haven't taken the time to delight in that fact: I am a child of God. And that's something I don't have to strive for, because I can't earn that. That's grace. And it's already been paid for.

I learned on that Sunday that God gives us a measure of faith so that we can know him, and therefore know ourselves THROUGH him. And through that faith, I know this: I don't want to live for myself. I don't want to strive for unattainable perfection. I don't want to project the Kaitlyn that I think I should be. I want to love myself because I belong to the LORD. And btw the way he made me wasn't a mistake. Because, watch out Ima drop some knowledge, he's perfect and doesn't make mistakes.

So, I'm gonna start me a new list. Actually I'm going to start it and end it:
1. God made me to show the world who HE is.

Amen.

It's late.

And my head is about to explode. But that's how dedicated I am to my blog. When inspiration strikes me, I will not back down because I'm half-asleep and in serious need of some naproxin. I will write, and I will conquer.

Hehe. Just kidding. Kinda.

I was just sitting here looking at some SUPER interesting websites. (like this one) Because I am ITCHING to get out there and do something. Start something. Change something. Spread something. Serve others. Love others. Create, explore, learn, live. That desire has been consuming me lately. And I don't want it to stop.

And the thing is, when I close my eyes and say "God where the dickens do I start?" I imagine that his reaction is something like the biggest, goofiest, uncontrollable grin. Because he knows what's ahead for me. And he has so much in store for me to discover. So right now I have the biggest, goofiest, uncontrollable grin on my face too. Because the LORD of the universe is consuming me like a fire and I can feel the presence of his perfect love in my heart.

Sure, I'm nervous. Scared, even. But he said to me "my grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Mhmm. Sufficient and perfect, indeed.

Then I heard the voice of the LORD saying 

Whom shall I send? And who will go for us? 

And I said 

Here am I. Send me!

Ready. Set. Go.

Bring it on.

I knew stepping into Greyhouse coffeehouse for the first time would be a life changing experience. Maybe that's a tad dramatic, but seriously. It's an amazing place. Everything about it is so welcoming. It's like, I don't know, love is in the air or something.

And in a way, it really was.

Sam and I crossed the threshold of Greyhouse for some much needed time with the Lord. And as Pastor Dan says, something happens vertically when something happens horizontally. I've been feeling so restless lately. So confused, so scared. And it's not like all my problems are gone, all my worries have ceased, and all my pain is erased. It's more like I understand that those things aren't me, they aren't mine, they don't control me. And I'm beginning to understand that I let the circumstances in my life break me when I forget that I'm not in control.

Honestly, maybe it's not forgetting, maybe it's denying.

I've reached the point where I know that God wants more for me than this. He wants more for me than I want for myself. He has more love and grace and strength than I could ever imagine. And he's waiting for me to say yes. He's waiting for me to meet him. And he doesn't mind that I'm broken. Because his power is made perfect in weakness. He doesn't mind that I've made mistakes. Because he keeps no records of wrongs. And he commands me to give my problems, my worries, and my pain to him. Because he is above all things, he is in all things, and through him all things come together.

At my bible study last night, we talked about humilty. Humbling ourselves before the Lord. Offering our lives as living sacrifices. This season in my life is challenging that. So, so much. It's difficult. It's stressful. It's painful. But you know what? It's good. I'm learning every day. I'm growing up. I'm being challenged. And God is transforming my life in a way only he can.

The LORD is my strength and my shield; 

in him my heart trusts, and I am 

helped;

my heart exults,

and with my song I give thanks to him.

Psalm 28:7

I will kneel before my Father and offer him all of me. And if my eyes have to tear and my heart has to break for me to draw closer to him, then bring it on.

I will adore you.

When I am running,

alone,

afraid,

away,

when my ears are ringing,

my feet are tired,

my lungs are screaming,

when I feel trapped,

hopeless,

weak,

broken,

when there is no end in sight,

no light,

no path,

when all I feel is pain,

all I want is relief,

this is when I find you.

This is when I close my eyes,

I breathe in deeply,

and your spirit fills me

with so much joy,

so much incredible,

awesome,

beautiful,

unbelievable

love.

I can't understand it,

I never will,

but Lord,

you love me.

You rescue me.

You lift me up again and again.

Even when I am running,

alone,

afraid,

away,

you are running toward me,

you are calling my name,

you won't let me fall,

you won't let me give up,

you are mighty,

glory,

perfect,

and you call me your daughter.

Thank you, Jesus.

You amaze me,

you enthrall me,

you change me,

you are my everything,

and I will adore you.

Amen.

Aldkfjaldskfjad.

Hi, my name is Kaitlyn and I have some serious anger issues. 

My besty friendy forevery Samanthy informed me of this tonight. Not that I really needed informed. And of course, when she told me, I kinda just got even more mad...

You see, this is what happened. We were driving home from Target, our homeland. And let me tell you, West Lafayette is the most confusing city in the world to drive in. So we turned down some street that led to some other street then I missed the turn on the street that I wanted to turn on, so I thought I'd circle around the block to get back on track. But NO. I was foiled by a one way street! GAHH! So I had to go back on the original road and go way out of the way and back track and blah blah blah. I was frustrated beyond belief.

But I have to ask myself, why? Why do I let certain things drive me so completely nuts? Why do I get angry at something so stupid as having to go half a mile in the wrong direction? It's ridiculous, honestly. And the worst part about losing my temper is that I find myself lashing out on people that I care about. I hate that. So, so much.

Folks, I'm a hot head sometimes. But I'm working on it. And I'm praying for patience. I'm praying for kindness. For love. For self-control. I'm constantly reminding myself to calm down. To take a deep breath. To snap out of it.

It's a struggle. But I'm not producing fruit on my own here, I'm abiding in the True Vine, my Father. And the branches that don't produce fruit need to be pruned.


So I have to say thank you to Samanthy. Thanks for holding me accountable. And for telling me I'm being a nutso.

Overwhelmed.

I feel that way a lot. And I'm finding out that when I feel that way, when I become overwhelmed with feelings of hopelessness, worry, impatience, jealousy, fear, it's because I let myself believe a tiny voice inside my head. The one that tells me that I'm not [insert adjective here] enough. The one that says I'll never accomplish what I hope for in life. The one that repeats things over and over, things like "stupid" or "ugly" or "alone" or "worthless." It's the voice that encourages me to give up, to give in, to stop fighting. And for some reason, this tiny, insignificant voice is the one that I find myself listening to more than anything else. I know that it's wrong, I know that it makes me feel awful and empty, but I keep doing it. I keep letting it get louder and louder. 

But the worst part about listening to that voice isn't the way it makes me feel. The worst part is that when this voice inside my head gets louder, it begins to drown out the voice of my Father.

Just writing those words fills my eyes with tears.

But there is hope, because the best part about all this is that I KNOW the way out. And it's through HIM. I know that the only way to lift myself up again is to reach out and grasp HIS hand, to turn my face toward HIS, and to listen to the most beautiful voice I can fathom, the voice of my SAVIOR speaking the words Kaitlyn, you are mine. And I love you.

There is nothing, NOTHING comparable to those words. And when I hear them, I am overwhelmed again. But this time, it's by His SPIRIT. His spirit that humbles me, comforts me, strengthens me, guides me, refreshes me, holds me. His spirit that opens my eyes to the beauty of creation. His spirit that calms my fears. His spirit that tells me I am understood, and I am not alone.

I was feeling overwhelmed today. I was thinking about how ardently I want to serve God with my life, but how often I find myself falling short. I felt so hopeless, so scared. But then I heard my Father's whisper. He said I see your desire. I see your heart. I see your willingness. Kaitlyn, I see you. And you are a beautiful, wonderful creation. I've written your story with my mighty hand. And with that same hand, I am holding your heart.

That my friends, is pure, complete joy.

Feels like I'm falling

At church today, I was slammed with a huge revelation. And I really mean slammed. It was like 50 alarm clocks went off in my head at one time and the heavens opened up with a bright light shining on my face and I finally just went "OHHH."

You see, I've been struggling lately. And I haven't even really been able to put my finger on what it is exactly that's got me so unsettled. Well, maybe I knew, but I didn't want to admit it. Because I am a very stubborn person.

But I'm working on changing. I'm working on letting go. I'm working on realizing that I can't figure my future out. I can't look at pictures in a magazine and say "that! that's what I want!" when it comes to who/what/where I will be. That's not how it works. And the bottom line is, I can't put my faith and trust and hope in the LORD until I admit that he knows better than I.

Good golly, does he know better.

When I think of how much of a wreck I am sometimes, how badly I mess up, how much I disappoint myself and others, it just makes me so incredibly thankful that I have a perfect savior that knows what's best for me. Because how can I do this on my own? How can I? I am very far from perfect. But hey, this isn't going to be a self-mutilating kind of blog post, because I also learned something else at church today.

We talked about holiness. We talked about moments in the Bible where God's holiness calmed storms and burned bushes and created everything around us out of nothing. And we talked about how God's holiness, through the death of Jesus on the cross, isn't just an out-dated bible thing. It's an everyday, all around the earth, consuming, living, breathing holiness that moves within us and through us. 

God's mighty love and amazing grace, makes my life a picture of holiness.

Seriously?? This is fantastic news. The big revelation I felt this morning was like a liberation, a freedom, a spark. Because I realized that on my own, I am so...broken. But through HIM, I am holy. Through HIM, I can do all things. And through HIM, I find my strength.

But best of all, through HIM, the story of my life will come together exactly the way it is meant to be. Which means this ongoing struggle I have with trusting God is really just a huge waste of time. How can I argue with holiness? It's a losing battle. How can I say I know better to the one who holds the universe in his hands? Ridiculous. It truly amazes me how God keeps trying to hammer the same thing into my noggin over and over, relentlessly. And how when I finally understand, he just shakes his head and smiles.

Holy, holy, holy is the Lord God Almighty.

Oh right! The post title. It's from a FANTASTIC Francesca Batistelli song:

I'm letting go 

Of the life I planned for me 

And my dreams.

I'm losing control

Of my destiny

It feels like I'm falling

And that's what it's like to believe

So I'm letting go

The importance of doing nothing.

Hey, it's September. That means fall is coming soon. Goodness gracious, I can't wait for fall. Leaves and apple cidar and football games and sweaters and perfect, sweet, crisp air. Perfection. I should be doing my homework now. Or taking a shower. Or doing something productive like constructing a 3-d moon out of flower stem wire. Ya know, something like that. But here I sit. You know something? I'm really a pro at doing nothing. Sometimes I just like to stare out the window. Sometimes I like to watch mindless television. Sometimes I like to lay in my bed and think. Sometimes I like to download music illegally. Or sometimes I like to blog about how I like to do nothing. For some people, this is a huge waste of time. Especially those busybusybusygottakeepmovingorI'llexplode people. But me? I NEED to waste time. In order to keep my sanity. Yeah, part of it is being lazy. But mostly, it's just slowing down for a second. Catching my breath and enjoying doing absolutely nothing. Taking in a deep breath and smiling to myself, not really sure why. Just cuz. It's nice. I call it being content. Knowing I could be doing something, but realizing that I'm happy just sittin. It's okay to do nothing from time to time. Just relax. Life can get so serious, so complicated, so annoying, so busy, so demanding. I say, find something that makes you happy and do it. Something for yourself. Don't schedule every second of your life. Leave some blank spaces and let your mind wander. Make shapes outta the clouds. Look for a four leaf clover. Roll down a hill. Watch Project Runway. Dance around in your underwear. Sing into your hairbrush. Watch stupid youtube videos. Be silly. Go for a walk and smile at strangers. Act like a kid again. WHATEVER. Just don't get so busy that you forget how to waste time. Because that would be a serious shame.

Hold on to your hats, folks.

DISCLAIMER: This is ridiculously long. I had a lot to say. If you read the whole thing, that would be just wonderful. But I mean, I respect those with short attention spans.

The Light

It's things like this that make me think the world is a horrible place.

That sin/evil/pain/disaster are forces so strong that they leave lives destroyed, hearts broken, faiths shattered, and hopes forgotten.

They leave people starving, homeless, empty, angry, hurt, bitter, hopeless, broken, afraid.

They put chains and scars and bruises and holes into our hearts.

They envelope the world in darkness.

Why does it have to be that way?

I know that the Light exists, but sometimes it's so hard to see.

So unbelievably hard.

I know that there is Love and Hope and Joy and Good in the world.

I believe that with all my heart.

But when all I see are storm clouds, it's hard to even imagine the sun.

It's hard to believe that there is warmth.

That our tears will dry.

That we are not alone.

That we are loved.

We find ourselves asking where is the good in the world?

Why can't I feel the love?

Why is darkness all I see?

Where is the light?

Where is the hope?

And then a tiny thought enters our minds.

Where is God?

If God stands for Love and Hope and Joy and Light, why isn't He standing for it now?

If He is all-powerful and mighty and strong, why does evil exist in the world?

Why does he allow these things to happen?

These questions haunt our minds.

But asking these questions doesn't fix the problem.

Asking these questions causes pain and heartache and fear and doubt.

Asking these questions makes God's Light dimmer.

Because God does not stand for Love and Hope and Joy and Good.

He is Love.

He is Hope.

He is Joy.

He is Light.

And God is not limited to the definitions that we give Him.

God is not a label that we can attach to "good" and a scapegoat we can blame for "evil."

God's power does not diminish when we denounce His power.

And despite our sin, our anger, our evil, our doubts, our hate, our anguish, our heartache, our fear, our worry, our stubbornness, our bitterness, our shame.

Despite our grasp on wordly things.

Despite our uncertainties about who God is.

Despite the moments when we turn our backs on God and run in the other direction.

He is still there.

He remains the same.

He is Love and Hope and Joy and Light.

And He is the antidote to the evil, the darkness, the pain, the sin.

Not the cause.

Not the blame.

And He has not abandoned the world.

He has not abandoned His Children.

He never will.

His Light has not been extinguished on this earth.

His Love is visible.

Always.

In a smile, a hug, a kiss, a friend, a mother.

In the kindness, generosity, patience, peace, honesty, creativity, brilliance, warmth that exists within each of our hearts.

In the beauty of the earth.

The complexities of nature.

The vastness of the universe.

In the way that He loves us unconditionally.

In the way that He calls us each by name.

In the way that He longs for us to know Him.

Sin/evil/pain/disaster may be strong forces that envelope the world in darkness.

But my God is stronger.

He is above all things.

He is in all things.

And through Him, all things come together.

In Him is life.

In Him is a light that shines in the darkness.

A light so bright that the darkness cannot hope to overcome it.

God, shine your light on me.

Show me your glory.

Let me feel your presence.

I trust you.

I love you.

You have my heart.

You have my life.

You will never desert me.

I shall forever be wrapped in your embrace.

Amen.

New directions.

^Yeah, that's the name of the club on glee.

As I watch my RENT poster dance in the breeze from the fan and I hear the ticking of Becca's annoying desk clock and I look at all the piles of junk that I have covering every surface of space, I feel...at home. And that's a pretty nice feeling.

I'm not the bravest/most out-going/most self-confident person in the world so the thought of transferring to a school with 6,000 people in the freshman class alone is not exactly what I would call easy. But I am embracing every moment of this new direction. Because no matter how unsure of myself I feel, I remind myself that I am braver, more out-going, and more self-confident than I have ever been in my whole life. And for that, I am thankful. And this experience is only going to push me further. I'm going to be friendly, I'm going to smile a lot, I'm going to be happy with who I am. Because this is the life I have been given, this is the place I've been sent, and these are the people who will be in my life.

Yeah I'm nervous. Obviously I'm intimidated. But I'm not going to let that stand in my way any more. This may be a new direction, but it's the same old me. And I'm learning to love myself remember? And as Jon Mclaughlin always told me, "the only way to love yourself, give your love to someone else."

I love you all :)

And best wishes for any new directions you may be facing.

This one's for baby Gaby.

My heart is broken for the Brown family who lost their little baby girl a couple days ago. They have an incredible, unforgettable, inspiring story (here's their blog), it's just that I thought it would end differently. 


It's stories like this that would make it so easy for us to be angry with God. To ask him why. To turn our backs on him because of the pain we're feeling. And it's stories like this that make me want to cry into my pillow for hours. It makes me wish that we could all just be in heaven now, so Jesus could dry our tears himself. But it wasn't our time yet, it was Gaby's time. And there is no logical way for me to wrap my head around that. There is no chance in this world that I can answer the why question. And I can't even begin to fathom the perfect complexity of God's plan.


This, folks, is where faith comes in.


Now faith is being sure of what we hope for, and certain of what we do not see.
Hebrews 11:1


When nothing in this life makes sense. When I feel the walls caving in around me. When I'm gasping for air and begging for help. That's when faith begins. That's when I have to accept that I can't know all the answers, but I can know the God who holds the universe in his hands. I can trust that his love for me is bigger than any sorrow I may face in this life. Honestly, it's hard, it's an ongoing struggle. But ultimately, it's all we have. 


In the amazing words of Shelley Brown, "For today we find comfort and joy in the thought that Gaby is dancing with Jesus."

Well, here we are.

Summer is practically over. I blogged one time. FAIL.

I don't even know why I haven't been keeping up with it. I guess because I didn't have much to say. I've pretty much been working every day. And...that's about it. And one post about Dairy Queen was QUITE enough.

The highlight of my summer was once again my mission trip to Costa Rica. It was truly fantastic. It was so much different from last year, not better or worse, just different. I got to meet a whole new group of Crossbridgers which was very cool. I got to zipline in the pouring down rain which was very cold. But the greatest part of the trip was being able to see God and experience his power. In the joy on the kids' faces, in the lessons we all learned from Pastor Gabriel, and in witnessing the Holy Spirit do some amazing, unexplainable things. I'm so glad, so blessed that I was able to be a part of that again.

I guess the difficult part about going on a missions trip is coming home. Because when you get back, it's like now what? How do I incorporate what I've seen, what I've done, how I've felt back into my daily routine? I'm still not sure about that one. The thing I struggled with the most on the trip was this recurring thought of why me? Why was I born in America? Why do I have money, clothes, a home, loving parents, oppurtunity, education? Why I am blessed in so many ways when there are countless others who aren't? Not only does it make me feel incredibly thankful, it just...unsettles me. And the only answer I have for the question of why me? is this: so that I can use what I've been given to help others in need. I have money so that I can give to those who need it. I have clothes to share with those who have none. I have food to feed those who are hungry. And I know God so that I can share his love to people who need it. I don't know how to do it. And I don't know where to start. But I trust that God will put me in the right place at the right time so that I can help those in need.

As for leaving for Purdue? Well I'm excited, anxious, worried, not sure what to expect. But I'm trusting God there too. It's been a weird summer. Truly, truly weird. Now I'm ready for what's next.

Happy endings.

I have this feeling. And I know it's wrong. But I have this feeling that my life is like a movie. And I'm just waiting for the happy ending. I'm waiting for all the loose ends to be tied, for the credits to roll, for that good feeling that only the end of a fantastic movie can bring. I'm waiting for the romantic kiss under the stars, for the love of my life to show up at my doorstep and sweep me off my feet. But this is no ordinary movie. This movie is taking forever. This is Gone with the Wind times 10. And I feel like this is the boring part of the movie. Like the part you fast-forward through. Like the negative aspect of the movie that doesn't quite fit with everything else. This is the part of the movie where you hate the main character a little bit. Where you say "what the heck are you doing?? Just STOP and WAKE UP for pete's sake!" This part of the movie is just darn painful to watch.


But just like in those cheesy moments in chick flicks where they play the sad song, show the depressing montage of the sad, lonely people, and queue the rain falling from the sky and the tears falling from our eyes, where it's obvious that the movie is nowhere near the end, I know that this feeling I have is only for the moment. And I have faith and I have hope that things will get better. And I know that life is supposed to teach us that we're not guaranteed a happy ending. That real life isn't like a movie and things don't work out the way we want them to everytime. But I just don't buy it. I can't be that pessimistic. And I guess I'm supposed to believe that we choose our destinies and our happy endings depend on how hard we fight for them. But that doesn't cut it for me either.


See, my life isn't a predictable 2 hour movie that is too good to be true. And my life isn't a random jumble of choices and mistakes and good times and bad times. My life is a story that has already been written, the story of a thrilling, exciting, incredible journey. My life is a single tree in a forest of billions. And my life is a love song for him who holds the entire universe in his arms, yet still embraces me with pure, complete adoration. And at the end of my life, I am guaranteed a happy ending. I get to go Home to be with my Father.

I praise you for every step I take.

When I run, abandoned and brave.

When I tread softly, quietly, evenly.

And when I am closing my eyes, grasping for your hand,

afraid to move my feet.

Because I know you are with me,

my guide,

my light,

my love,

my joy.

I am never alone,

and each step I take brings me closer to you.

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes!

Well folks, it's 12 am on a wednesday night and here I sit in my bedroom trying to decide if I should get my hair cut or not. This ALWAYS happens before I have to make a big decision. Or a small decision. Okay, any decision for pete's sake. Because seriously, everytime I make a choice I feel like I picked the wrong one. Every single time I choose one thing, I wish I would have chosen the other. I feel like I need to make a pro/con list for every stupid thing. Should I get a cheeseburger or a chicken sandwich? Should I watch Letterman or Leno? Should I run to the right or to the left? It's madness I tell you!


And what I think it really comes down to is fear. Fear of choices, fear of decisions, fear of change. I mean not so much for the small, insignificant things, but for the big things. The Life things. I was so scared to go to an out of state college because I knew I would be all by myself and I wouldn't have the familiar to rely on. And now look where that decision led me. I'm going to a different school next year. A whole different change. And I can say that I'm less worried because I'll be with two of my best friends, but the truth is I'm not. And it's because I keep thinking: this is where my life is going to start, this is where I'm going to decide what I'll become, this is where every step I take has the possibility to be a great success or a miserable failure. Yeah, I'm afraid, to say the least.


I wish I could look at my life not as a series of steps that lead me up a ladder, but as a series of steps that lead me up and down hills and valleys. Because as much as I think so, there is never going to be a moment where I think "finally, my life is in order and I am exactly where I want to be." I will always be striving for more, I will always be struggling with something, I will always be changing. And yes, every step makes me stronger, but I will never be perfect. I will never reach the top of the ladder.


It's like this quote I heard awhile ago "Life is not a destination, it's a journey." And this is so important to me because so often I think that way. I just want to get there or I just want to do that and then I'll be happy. That's not the way it's supposed to be. Every day is a new beginning and every day is a new chance to be the person I want to be. Some days will be better than others, but that doesn't mean I fail. It means I pick myself up and try again.


It's like my relationship with God. I can try and try and try to be a "good" Christian, I can go to church, I can read my bible etc. I can try to climb the ladder to earn God's grace, but that's not how it works. God is not at the top of the ladder waiting for me to climb to him. He is with me every day, in every situation, through good times and bad, holding my hand and taking this journey with me. He rejoices when I succeed and he cries with me when I fail, but through it all, his love stays the same. And in return for the sacrifice he made for me on the cross, I live my life for him. All I can offer is my heart, and that's what I strive to do.


And the best part is, when I become so anxious and worried and freaked out about any decision I have to make or any change that's looming in the future, I can rely on God to guide me. When I just let go of my problems and concerns and give them to God, he takes them away and fills me instead with his spirit. That's when I get the feeling that everything is going to be okay. I forget that a lot, but deep down, I know it to be true.

I wanna go camping.

At turkey run. With my best friends. Because I've missed them. And I haven't gone camping in forever. And when the four of us get together, magic happens. And when the four of us share a tent, madness ensues.

All I need is you, Lord.

So...I've been a total jerk the past few days.  I've been ignoring people and acting like a robot and being super pathetic. STUPID. Well, I'm done. I can't do it anymore. I thought that if I felt sad on the inside, I didn't want to pretend to be okay on the outside. STUPID AGAIN. Choosing to feel depressed? Seriously? That's ridiculous. And that's not me.


I realized in this big epiphany moment [at the Glenwood Park playground] that I can't focus on things that I can't control. I can't see the future, I don't know where I'll be or who I'll be with or what I'll be doing. And even though I wish I did, I don't know what's best for me most of the time. And as much as that thought scares me to death, the fear is only temporary. After that comes relief, liberation. There's this feeling where I know I can just let go and I realize that God has everything under control.

"For I know the plans I have for you" says the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future." 

Jeremiah 29:11

Out of all the words written in the Bible, these bring me the most comfort. Because when I feel like everything is falling apart and nothing will ever be okay again, there's a voice inside my head that says "Stop. You know that's not true." Sometimes I literally have to say it outloud, but it never fails. Knowing that God loves me and that he has a plan for my life is bigger and better and stronger than any obstacle, emotion, struggle, mistake, tragedy that I might experience. Knowing that God is here with me holding my hand as I walk through life is enough to bring me to my knees in worship and to bring tears of joy to my eyes. That's what it is: JOY. Everlasting joy. That's what I have because I have Jesus. And nothing can ever take that away. Nothing can ever separate me from the love of God. And he is everything I will ever need. 


All I need is you, Lord. Amen.

Pacty pact.

A few days ago I realized why I've been feeling so dejected. 

Why I go from being completely happy to totally depressed. 

Why I let comments/looks/opinions from others dictate how I see myself. 

Why I look in the mirror and I think of all the ways I wish I was different.

You see I talk about love all the time, but I made a big mistake.

I never gave it to myself.

Loving others comes natural, it's not easy sometimes, but it's just something that I always try to do. And hoping that someone will love me, well that comes natural too. That's human instinct, I think. But loving myself? I never take time for that. It feels weird, wrong even. It feels like time wasted. It feels selfish. But that's just not the case.

I'm not the prettiest.

I'm not the smartest.

I'm not the most talented.

I don't have the best clothes.

I don't always know what to say.

And I'm not perfect.

But I'm

always,

the best at,

the only person,

perfectly

being me.

You see, I've come to realize that loving myself inspite of my so-called shortcomings/imperfections/issues is what I've been supremely failing at lately. And I have a feeling, we've all been there.

So I've decided to make it my mission this summer to learn to love myself. I pitched the idea to my good pal Samanthy and she wanted to do it too. So invite all of you readers to join me. Because loving yourself can always take some additional practice.

The edge and the leap.

I've reached this point.
I feel like I'm on the edge of something, something huge.
Like the edge of a cliff.
And I can't turn around.
Because all that's behind me is a jumble or a mess or a blur.
I don't what any of it means, and I can't piece together the remnants.
All I can sense is the reminder that I can't go back.
So now, here I stand.
Looking down, knowing I should close my eyes and jump.
But still, wishing I could return.
Wishing the pieces would fall back into place.
Wishing I could retrace the steps that brought me to this point.
Holding onto the familiar, the safe, the past.
Replaying images in my head, voices in my ears.
It hurts.
Every second that I wish I could go back is like the pounding of a nail.
Anchoring me to this point.
This point of false security.
This point of fear and regret and pain.
I want to jump.
I want to let go.
And I don't want the fear that no one will catch me keep me from taking the leap.